I'm an Idiot!

I have severe (well I call it severe) insomnia. Yet, tonight, like an idiot, I watched TABOO on NGS about decomposing bodies and the people who clean them up as well as disgusting crime scenes. THEN I decided to watch a special on Sharks (hey, its SHARK WEEK). What the HELL do I think I'm doing???? If I ever DO fall asleep, I'll totally dream about being eaten by a shark or dead bodies coming after me!

Oh yeah, and this is my

300th POST!

Who cares? Not you!

R

"One of a Kind"

I found this retard on MySpace. Her tattoo reads:

"Live and Love.

One of A Kind"

omg. click on it for a bigger pic.

Peaches! Stop!

This bitch needs to stop bleaching her hair! It's making me nervous!!! It's totally breaking off! After bleaching my own hair for like 5 years with the expensive, FERIA, I should know. One day I looked in the mirror and saw the silhouette of a chick yellow Mohawk. Put the box bleach away!!!

This Jewelry Totally Came in a Plastic Bag...

...I've seen it at Santee Alley. I bet Phoebe Price gets all her get ups there. I know it.

People Who Annoy the Shit Out of Me!

Omg. I hate this bitch. I saw her ass walking by my old apartment in West Hollywood. She should get an Academy Award. All she does is fucking cry! When she walked by I was like, "Why do I know this bitch? I know I hate her ass but, why?" It took me THREE days to figure it out. "That's that whore from INTERVENTION!" Ugh! She totally wants to be an actress! Her mother should kick her ass out and make her get a job. We'll see how anorexic she is when she works up an appetite from having to actually do something besides sit in her room and cry all day!

Kim, shut the fuck up!

Quote of the Day!

While discussing how people resemble their dogs I say:

"I don't really know why I have Mazzy. I'm not really an asshole"

To which my mother replies:

"You kind of are. Face it."

Song of the Day

RADIOHEAD

"Reckoner"

I've Moved. Yes, AGAIN. Shut up.

So...I've moved again. I live literally a block from RUNYAN CANYON. Each day when I get home I run in and grab Mazzy for a quick walk to the park. He loves it but I need to get some super sonic headphones. ( I don't know what that means but...) I don't want to hear every Goddamn, Motherfucking, wannabe actor on that path talk about their 'acting career. Bitch, you ain't got ONE!!! I know this. Or you wouldn't be stressing about your TARGET National audition. Ugh.

I'm going to Hell.

Ways to Make Money...

...Buy up a shit load of Morning After pills and sell them at 300% mark up on

THE KANDY KRUISE!

I'll make a fortune!!!!

See 2 entries below.

Fail Blog

see more pwn and owned pictures

All Aboard the Kandy Kruise! Klassy!

Because I'm a mean spirited person, I subscribe to this e-newsletter from this douchey party promoter named Craig Clemmens just so I can make fun of him. They come about once a month and just get better and better. He is a retarded snob (I've seen his picture so I'm not entirely sure why) but he has figured out how to seem "popular" and anyways any party promoter in LA can get laid by some failed starfucker.

So today's newsletter was about some whore convention called KANDY KRUISE. Oh my God. This shit is TRASHY! I sent the link to my friend who immediatley responded with, "I can't look at this anymore. My eyes don't know where to rest! What do you think this place looks like at 4AM. I bet there is a lot of date rape."

Date rape was my first thought when I checked out the site. Check out how they describe the cruise:

The Kandy Kruise is designed to be exclusive and sexy, so for the privileged few…we will dedicate 600 of the staterooms to female guests only and only 500 staterooms for gentlemen. All of the parties, entertainment and programming are designed to create the ultimate fantasy.

The Kandy Kruise will travel over 12 miles off shore to be in what is considered “International Waters”, which allows the ship to utilize its full cabaret license for gambling, sexy shows, and entertainment without restriction.

NAST! Oh, to be a fly on the wall of KANDY KRUISE. I would only go on this cruise if I had a full body protection suit and could be sterilized when it was over!

P.S. Isn't the guy in the 2nd picture the guy from The Real World, Hollywood who went to rehab? I blame KANDY KRUISE!!!!

Check out the retardedness here: http://www.kandykruise.com

Gorgeous Photos of Heartthrobs!

Hot chicken neck!
Hot puffy eyes from crying!

Awesome!

I'm the 429,712,644 richest person on earth! Discover how rich you are! >>

Song of the Day/ Terribly Awkward

So...Song of the Day is: R. KELLY

"Step In The Name of Love"

However, every legitimate place I looked, the video embedding had been disabled. So, I found this really sad, awkward home video TO the song. Some nerd ass and his co workers had some kind of "Department Party" and he added it to YouTube. I won't even comment. Just read what he wrote about it:
"This video was filmed by Pum (Achara) at our Annual Department Awards in year 2005. I did a special appearance on the floor by doing a dance to the beat of R.Kelly's " STEP IN THE NAME OF LOVE" song. All my staff danced with me in front of our hotel staff at the function. It was a very memomrable night for me. Hope you will like it too. The video quality is poor due to low light conditions.Kumar Ellawala"

This video is so much hotter than the original!

The Assistant with Andy Dick

Who else watched this shit? It was effing hilarious. I think he should pull himself together and make THE ASSISTANT 2.

"It's elimination time, bitches."

The camping trip was my favorite episode. Skip ahead to 7:52 to hear,

"This tastes like charcoaled ass!"

The other excellent episode was the "Lie Detector" one.

Skip ahead to 6:23 for the good stuff.

Song of the Day

RADIOHEAD

"House of Cards"

I'm not completely sold on the look of this video plus you have to wait until like 2 1/2 minutes into it to see the cool stuff. However, the landscapes blowing away are pretty fucking cool.

If youre a nerd and want to know how this look was acheived, go here:http://www.boingboing.net/2008/07/14/radioheads-new-3dviz.html

Little Darlings...

This movie is totally in my top 5. It's beyond racy for 1980, stars Tatum O'neal, Matt Dillon, Kristy McNichols, Cynthia Nixon and who knows who the Hell else that became a super star. I am begging the guy I work for to try and get this remade. How hot would Ali Lohan be as Kristy's character or Tatum's?? And shit, bring Tatum back for a cameo. She is the definition of a hot bitch in this film. The great Santorini (the sluttiest one at camp) even had an eye shadow named after her by Nars! The movie is about these sluts trying to lose their virginity at camp. HOT! Great goals! I love it. They make the fat one get the condoms at the gas station after they've stolen the camp bus. These bitches are on fire! How adorable is Matt Dillon way back when???

Oh Shit. Failblog does it Again!

I'm not kidding. You should really pee BEFORE you watch this awesome "Mascot Fail" montage by failblog. I was laughing so hard halfway thru I had to run to the loo. The song makes it magical.

MASCOT FAIL

People Who Bore the Hell Out of Me.

Who is this boring bitch, Courtney, who runs the world's most mundane blog ever??? (HEART EXPLOSION) More like brain implosion!! Her entries are so effing "precious" that they make me want to kill myself! Below is one captivating entry from June 2nd. Criminy!!!

Here's her "awe inspiring" photo of herself.
"I just bought a Sonicare toothbrush! Thank you Amazon Prime! I am super excited to brush. Does that make me lame? Oh well… (photo from ?)"


WTF????

If you really hate yourself go here! : http://heartexplosion.com/

Song of the Day

MADONNA

"Borderline"

The beginning is like a Jordache Jeans commercial or like how those girls in those anti cellulite commercials dance around. I thought I'd give Madonna even MORE attention today since her brother is whoring out her life story.

I Want to Expand on JESUS CAMP

After watching JESUS CAMP and then writing my pathetic little review about it, then calling my mother to discuss with her, I really started to think about how fucked up it can be.

I was lucky. I had a LOT of fun at Jesus Camp (which included Non Denominational camp, Bible Based camp and even 7th Day Adventist camp = no meat and no guys with long hair allowed!). We had regular classes we would sign up for like Arts and Crafts and Horsemanship...I must have been a wannabe cowgirl back then because I always made sure to get into Horsemanship (wayyyyy past Horsemanship I), riflery and Leather making (well, whatever you call it when you burn patterns into leather. Jesus! I was practically a lesbian in camp!). Anyways. I had a great time. An old friend of mine got shipped off to Jesus Camp but since his family were totally non practicing Christians, it was kind of weird. His step mother was the one that would send them. His father was a doctor and he had had an affair with and then married one of his nurses. She was fucked up and would only eat popcorn and drink diet coke to stay skinny. I guess her daughter, Stephanie- I think it was- would do the same thing and was all anorexic. (How I wish I had the will power). Any who, this nurse would send my friend and his half brother to Jesus Camp and one day we were talking about how retarded it could be and he was like, "They always tried to get you on the LAST night...like all week was fun and you talked about Jesus a little bit and they kind of talked to you about accepting him into your heart but it was ALL leading up to that LAST NIGHT." And he was totally right. I remember the last night of JC being sooooo dramatic. Girls were crying about what sluts they had been back at home and how they wanted to CHANGE now! Since I had been raised Christian I didn't really get what all the fuss was about but I "got it" in a way. The kids would sing songs with their arms around each other and be really morose and hopeful at the same time. Then the camp leader or one of the favorite (=hot) counselors would get up at the end and tell you how this was your last chance to "Accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior and be saved by the Blood of Christ". It seemed to me that for the non believers, you guys were FUCKED until next Summer so you'd better not die or it was straight to Hell for your ass. Too late for you!

My sister and I were both counselors at JC at one point. I know, right? The screening process must be jacked. However, I must say that at the time I wasn't quite the person I am now. I was much more...um...good.

I'm glad I went to Jesus Camp. I've got great stories and pictures...I just don't know if I'll send my own one day or just ship them off to day camp at the Y. MUCH safer!

One More "Film" Review ( take the word "film" lightly here...

I finally got around to renting Paul Sapiano's THE BOYS AND GIRLS GUIDE TO GETTING DOWN. Hmmm...Okay. I will tell you upfront that it was ruined for me within the first like 2 minutes because one of the leads, "Kate" is this total cunty bitch I went to photography school with. No, I mean like a BITCH. Her name is Kat something (probably Kat Cunt). She was the kind of girl who acted all punk/ alt but would flirt with even our Commercial Photography professors and they totally got hard ons when she did cause she seemed like she would let them do kinky shit to her for good grades. She probably did. Also, she would scream at the new people in the dark room if they ever made the mistake of turning on one of the machines (um I don't remember what its called) without closing it first. (If you know anything about photography you know what I mean, but if you don't just know its an easy mistake for a new student to make, and, while annoying, is not a reason to be so horrible) So she ruined the fuck out of it for me, plus she was a shitty actress. However, I saw her a few months ago looking like shit at some greasy spoon diner in Silverlake so I don't think her Hollywood dreams have quite come true. Karma? I'm going to guess "Yes".

Some of Sapiano's writing was pretty funny, accurate. But did he get a deal on shooting exclusively at Beauty Bar? Cause that's the only location in the whole GD film. It was the kind of movie that lets the hipsters laugh at themselves without being too honest about how truly annoying and stupid they are. It kept it at a safe level. My feeling about Sapiano (because an ex of mine used to work at the place he is managed) is that he is a one hit wonder and can only write about one subject and not terrifically at that. So that's that. Here's a shitty scene. Don't waste your 2 bucks on renting it. Just go out to Cahuenga one night and laugh at the hipster assholes and Hollywood Sluts and spend your money on the drinks it will take to get you to be able to handle these retards.
Here's Kunty Cat's Oscar winning performance:

Song of the Day

ELTON JOHN

"Rocket Man"

How come all the good YouTube recordings have the most lame ass home made videos?? Sorry again...but a song that is perfection.

Greatest Opening Scene EVER in a Film

You won't really care until 2:09. Then you will be blown away by this art house beauty. Sharon Stone is amazing. So is whoever wrote this scene. Or they are not right in the head.

Things That Make Me Sick...

Thanks to my mom's affinity for OH! The Oxygen Channel. She turned me ON to this!

Things To Rent...

I decided to entertain/ torture myself this weekend. My boyfriend had to work all weekend so that left me with quite a bit of time on my hands. (Say what you will about co-dependence, it's more that we just hate so many people we'd rather hang out and be retarded together, so shut up.)

My mom suggested that I rent CALIFORNICATION Season 1.

Excellent, Amazing and A+. I wasn't even a Duchovny fan until this weekend.

Also, Mazzy Lamb's twin is in this season so that made it worth my while. However, Mazzy is still cuter. 45 seconds into it is the best part so start at.

I also rented " I Know Who Killed Me". I have been wanting to watch this piece of shit for like 6 months but Gavin kept turning it down. Understandable. Now, although I am truly a Lohan fan I knew this thing had won about a thousand Razzies and needed to see what all the fuss was about. The critics were correct. It made no sense, was completely incoherent and made me laugh when I wasn't supposed to. I skipped the special feature of the "extended strip scene" but from the bit I did see, Lohan may have missed her true calling. I am not hating. She's good. But she needs more pole tricks. My favorite scene is when, after she has become a double amputee, she has a graphic, wild, explicit sex scene! It was amazing!!! (Although not as amazing as that first scene in Basic Instinct 2- If you haven't seen then you MUST rent.)
Remember, at this point she is missing half her arm and one of her legs from the knee down. She's still got it though! I love how she smokes afterwards with her "good" hand. HOT!

There was also some weird scene where a possum is sitting in a kid's toy car , screeching...hmmm. I was lost by then already so it was okay.


I did not stop there. I also rented "Blonde and Blonder" starring Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards. I was okay with the fact that Pamela Anderson cannot act because basically she was just supposed to play herself I guess as a dumb ho who wants to learn to fly. Denise put on a bit of a better performance, like I could tell she was at least TRYING to act. However, all I could think about was Sheen's "tranny infested sperm" and how he took like a chainsaw to their wedding photo. To tell you the truth I could only handle 10 minutes of this turd. So I can't really give any kind of review. It was ass. I didn't even get to this scene but it looked bad so I included it for you.


I continued to assault my brain/ eyes with BLONDE AMBITION. But you know what? It wasn't THAT bad. It was "watchable". Pizza, tequila and B-Relaxed Vitamin water helped...but still. not terrible. There seemed to be a lot of "favor" cameo's including that one guy from JACKASS with the nasty beard but whatever. Oh and Rachael Leigh Cook. What the eff happened to her??? Blonde Ambition, apparently.

Instead of a clip from BLONDE AMBITION, tomorrow I will upload a video which shows how Mazzy felt about being subjected to watch this mess.

I also watched JESUS CAMP which made me totally uncomfortable and awkward. I went to a few different Christian school's and a ton of Jesus Camp's myself so it was like "Oh yeah, I totally know these kind." I did enjoy when the main camp lady/ children's God Warrior leader screamed at the children that if Harry Potter had been alive in Palestine or something "he would have been put to DEATH!!!!" and that "Warlock's are the enemy of GOD!!!!! No matter what kind of a hero they say he is!!!!!" Then some kid screams "AMEN!"

A bunch of the kids cried, spoke in tongues and convulsed on the floor and I found it a bit distasteful to make the children have such mental breakdowns about Jesus. They must think Jesus is a Goddamn KillJOY! Oh, as was the man who came to their camp to talk to them about abortion and showed them little plastic "fetuses" and how they have faces or something and how they were the only generation to stop abortion. Um, kind of heavy when you're like 7 yrs old. They cried some more for all the babies who were dead because they had been aborted and couldn't be at JESUS CAMP with them. Uncomfortable. Let's talk about that in a few years, shall we? Whatever happened to "Our God is an Awesome God, He Reigns from heaven Above with wisdom, power and Love. Our God is an Awesome GOD!" and singing it in rounds and only worrying about your salvation on the very last campfire night of Jesus Camp??? We were such babies then!

Here's the "Abortion Guy". Oh and Levi is hot and needs to get out of that camp!!!

MySpace "Model" of the Day

POKAHANTAS

She gets major points for this creative outfit, especially the homemade shoe/ sock combo!

If you can handle her beauty go here:http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=37730202

Awesome People of the Day/ Trash Edition

Awesome. Thanks Thrillist for showing me that I can sell my doggie bag left overs or a once used toothbrush or some similar shit.

Via Thrillist

This is How You Party.

GAWD, how I love Amy Winehouse. She doesn't give an eff. I wish I had been there.

Mom, don't worry, not really, but sort of.

WTF? Lies All Over The Place!!

You Win!

You Lose!

So, I'm sitting here at work basically trying to just kill the next hour by finding great and witty things to share with all you assholes but guess what? Today is boring. Anyhow, I started getting a craving for something kind of sweet. I looked in the kitchen and of course there is no fruit or anything but there's a Goddamn fridge full of Tab, Coke (all kinds), Sprite, Dr. Pepper and like Fresco (barf). However, there is also a full carton of Pulp Free Tropicana Orange Juice. This is unheard of. Normally that shit is gone by 10am here. Then something catches my eye. A can of Minute Maid "Orangeade". I'm like, "Damn, that shit is good. It's so bad for you and so full of sugar that it kind of burns your throat but I LIKE it!" But then I think about how soda is the devil. But then I really want that damn Orangeade. So I decide to compare calories. WTF? The crappy "Orange DRANK" Orangeade is like only 40 calories more than the orange juice!!!

So I drank the poisonous stuff instead. Shit, it's good.

I Don't Know How to Feel About This...

So apparently, no one has seen the new KATH AND KIM pilot. However, I just saw the promo and it kind of...well...did nothing whatsoever. It was like when you draw a bath and think you've got it at the perfect temperature and you fill the whole tub and then you get in and it's kind of tepid and you're like "Shit. I have to empty out at LEAST half of this then fill it up again with really HOT water. What a waste!"

That's how it made me feel.

So then I looked up a clip of the original show from Australia and almost pissed myself! I know the 'real' clip is kind of long but watch it all as it's worth it to see their friend in the neck brace dancing in a hot nightclub.

Eh...

Awesome!!!!

Lust Object of the Day

This Jovovich-Hawk Fermina dress

$425

Available at: http://www.shopbop.com/fermina-dress-jovovich-hawk/vp/v=1/845524441817455.htm?folderID=2534374302046144&fm=browse-brand-viewall-shopbysize

Song of the Day

MORRISSEY
"The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get"

Ah, unrequited love, how painful you are...and how much of a hot piece is Morrissey?

My Dream Come True?

Oh, how I wish they were real loaded guns and this was a photo of their murder/ suicide pact or something. I am going to Hell but what's new? You know these attention whores would sell photos even of something like that. When is his sex tape coming out? He's been holding on to it for years. Perhaps the timing is just not right. When they start sinking....then it will come and burn our eyes right out of our heads. Blech!! But of course I will watch it.

People Who Bore the Hell Out of Me.

Lauren Conrad

What the Hell does this bitch do? She seems like one of those horrible snotty brats who grew up with all her needs but especially her WANTS taken care of and now she's got this terrible sense of entitlement. The worst part are her manners. Or rather her lack of. They are non-existent. Remember when this dumb ho was introduced to Marc Jacobs (right?) and she didn't even stand up from her seat. She looked annoyed that her arts and crafts session got interrupted. FUCK! Get your ass up, Bitch, and shake hands like your arm isn't halfway paralyzed. God! What a stupid skank!

MySpace "Model" of the Day

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh shit, bitches.

Yep, I WENT there for those of you who know who this is.
If you don't know then all you need to know is that this rare beauty is:
Tracy Marie Briare/ aka Bunkass Briare

When not impersonating Steven Tyler she can be found rapping about how much she loves being a slut, how lucky you are to get with a trannylicious shim like her and smoking weed.

One word: HOT!

ahhahahaah!

Truly, the face of an angel.

See more exquisite beauty at: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=278136054

Things I Want...

I want this DESIGN WITHIN REACH model from Airstream. It's awesome.

Song of the Day

HOLE
"Malibu"

Here, let this song make you think of Summer and fun times.

Sorry Bitches...

I have hardly posted anything lately as my life has had no meaning since I have had to return to work after my Fourth of July vacation. I am the biggest fucking drama queen baby but I don't give a Hell. I want to win the lottery, make crafts all day and buy like 3 more French Bulldogs.

Instead, I will sit here at my desk for 10 hours straight, which will probably contribute to an extremely flat ass one day, and try to entertain you other bored asses. Is this really Life? I thought we were supposed to be 'grains of sand' with such a short time on earth that we should embrace each day?!

Fuck That.

What the Eff? Chipmunk Sounds...

Okay, I am embarrassed to admit that I kind of like how this new Heidi Montag song SOUNDS. How the SONG sounds, NOT her. She sounds like a chipmunk on speed. And the lyrics are sad. She needs one more drink to go home with some guy??? That's always a bad idea. She better have money for cab fare when she wakes up next to some ghastly LA wanna be in the AM. SICK.

Actually, doesn't it kind of sound like recent Janet Jackson song? Hmmmm. Rip off. What's new.

UPDATE: THIS SOUNDS LIKE A RIP OFF of FEEDBACK by Janet Jackson! The NERVE!!

Listen to the shit here: http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1641243986/bctid1641807757

Douche Party Photos of the Day!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Vegas pics!

In Vegas, makeup is ALWAYS your friend and it's best to take a touch-up purse.
I suggest the 'cough' test before getting with that.

Even though I can't see her face I know he's lucky.

"Um, hey, can you watch my drink for a second. Those guys are weirding me out."

"I like COOOKIE!!!"

"C'mon, no one will notice you've put on some weight. Just give your hair some height, wear a colorful pattern and use some bronzer. It makes your face look thinner. I swear."

So a Fug, a tranny and a rabbit walk into a bar..."

Via: http://www.spyonvegas.com/

Awesome Person of the Day

The Old Man I See Every Morning on Elevado and N. Canon Dr.

Every morning on my way to work I see this old man (70s) sitting on his walker/ mini chair with old school radio headphones on. Just from looking at him I think I've got his story down:

I imagine he wakes up at the crack of his ass (Dawn/ much too early for the rest of us), puts on his khakis and a t-shirt, grabs his headphones (probably NPR or classical) and with the help of his Walker/ resting chair walks his ass out to the side of the house that faces the street. This way he can't be seen from the house since he sits just to the right of the house's windows ON PURPOSE. I bet he lives with his son-in-law and I bet they have young children that torture and annoy his ass. That's why he's outside before they even get up to ask for cereal and start blasting cartoons. He let's the Nanny handle that shit since their mother is probably already out playing tennis or getting Sonya Dakkar facials at 8am and Father has a 'breakfast meeting', with either a real client or the younger woman he is actually sleeping with, at 7:30am sharp.

This old man gets the "Honorary Awesome Person Of the Day" award in perpetuity just for having to tolerate the world at his age.

I salute you, Old Man and I'll see you tomorrow!

Save the Baby Monkeys from Dumb Bitches!!

I was watching the news this morning and there's some hideous new trend that "Empty Nesters" are embracing and lonely old spinsters are trying out; Adopting baby monkeys to take the place of children and babies. I think this is a terrible idea. Besides the fact that it's kind of weird and creepy, people seem to forget that these are WILD animals. One lady was mauled to shit by her monkey just out of the blue! It started attacking the walls and then came after her ass and bit the shit out of her and scratched her to Hell! So then she had to take it to a Monkey Rescue place. Dumb bitch. Now the monkey is stressed out and in an entirely NEW environment. Also, a majority of these monkeys are literally ripped from their real mother's arms!! Talk about heartbreaking. They shoot the mothers with darts and then take their babies when they start to pass out. So the babies don't know why their mother isn't protecting them as they are pulled from their mother's backs, thrown into who the hell knows what kind of cage and then given to some fat, stupid bitch who is 'bored' and has a little money to throw around. I don't like this one bit. Just because you're too lazy or old to adopt a REAL baby doesn't mean you have to emotionally destroy a baby monkey's life. Fuck you anyways. Go eat some more bon bons and make friends with the people on mid day TV.

SAVE THE BABY MONKEYS FROM DUMB BITCHES!!!

Song of the Day

SAM SPARRO

'Black and Gold'