Things That Make Me Sick...

Thanks to my mom's affinity for OH! The Oxygen Channel. She turned me ON to this!

Things To Rent...

I decided to entertain/ torture myself this weekend. My boyfriend had to work all weekend so that left me with quite a bit of time on my hands. (Say what you will about co-dependence, it's more that we just hate so many people we'd rather hang out and be retarded together, so shut up.)

My mom suggested that I rent CALIFORNICATION Season 1.

Excellent, Amazing and A+. I wasn't even a Duchovny fan until this weekend.

Also, Mazzy Lamb's twin is in this season so that made it worth my while. However, Mazzy is still cuter. 45 seconds into it is the best part so start at.

I also rented " I Know Who Killed Me". I have been wanting to watch this piece of shit for like 6 months but Gavin kept turning it down. Understandable. Now, although I am truly a Lohan fan I knew this thing had won about a thousand Razzies and needed to see what all the fuss was about. The critics were correct. It made no sense, was completely incoherent and made me laugh when I wasn't supposed to. I skipped the special feature of the "extended strip scene" but from the bit I did see, Lohan may have missed her true calling. I am not hating. She's good. But she needs more pole tricks. My favorite scene is when, after she has become a double amputee, she has a graphic, wild, explicit sex scene! It was amazing!!! (Although not as amazing as that first scene in Basic Instinct 2- If you haven't seen then you MUST rent.)
Remember, at this point she is missing half her arm and one of her legs from the knee down. She's still got it though! I love how she smokes afterwards with her "good" hand. HOT!

There was also some weird scene where a possum is sitting in a kid's toy car , screeching...hmmm. I was lost by then already so it was okay.


I did not stop there. I also rented "Blonde and Blonder" starring Pamela Anderson and Denise Richards. I was okay with the fact that Pamela Anderson cannot act because basically she was just supposed to play herself I guess as a dumb ho who wants to learn to fly. Denise put on a bit of a better performance, like I could tell she was at least TRYING to act. However, all I could think about was Sheen's "tranny infested sperm" and how he took like a chainsaw to their wedding photo. To tell you the truth I could only handle 10 minutes of this turd. So I can't really give any kind of review. It was ass. I didn't even get to this scene but it looked bad so I included it for you.


I continued to assault my brain/ eyes with BLONDE AMBITION. But you know what? It wasn't THAT bad. It was "watchable". Pizza, tequila and B-Relaxed Vitamin water helped...but still. not terrible. There seemed to be a lot of "favor" cameo's including that one guy from JACKASS with the nasty beard but whatever. Oh and Rachael Leigh Cook. What the eff happened to her??? Blonde Ambition, apparently.

Instead of a clip from BLONDE AMBITION, tomorrow I will upload a video which shows how Mazzy felt about being subjected to watch this mess.

I also watched JESUS CAMP which made me totally uncomfortable and awkward. I went to a few different Christian school's and a ton of Jesus Camp's myself so it was like "Oh yeah, I totally know these kind." I did enjoy when the main camp lady/ children's God Warrior leader screamed at the children that if Harry Potter had been alive in Palestine or something "he would have been put to DEATH!!!!" and that "Warlock's are the enemy of GOD!!!!! No matter what kind of a hero they say he is!!!!!" Then some kid screams "AMEN!"

A bunch of the kids cried, spoke in tongues and convulsed on the floor and I found it a bit distasteful to make the children have such mental breakdowns about Jesus. They must think Jesus is a Goddamn KillJOY! Oh, as was the man who came to their camp to talk to them about abortion and showed them little plastic "fetuses" and how they have faces or something and how they were the only generation to stop abortion. Um, kind of heavy when you're like 7 yrs old. They cried some more for all the babies who were dead because they had been aborted and couldn't be at JESUS CAMP with them. Uncomfortable. Let's talk about that in a few years, shall we? Whatever happened to "Our God is an Awesome God, He Reigns from heaven Above with wisdom, power and Love. Our God is an Awesome GOD!" and singing it in rounds and only worrying about your salvation on the very last campfire night of Jesus Camp??? We were such babies then!

Here's the "Abortion Guy". Oh and Levi is hot and needs to get out of that camp!!!

MySpace "Model" of the Day

POKAHANTAS

She gets major points for this creative outfit, especially the homemade shoe/ sock combo!

If you can handle her beauty go here:http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=37730202

Awesome People of the Day/ Trash Edition

Awesome. Thanks Thrillist for showing me that I can sell my doggie bag left overs or a once used toothbrush or some similar shit.

Via Thrillist

This is How You Party.

GAWD, how I love Amy Winehouse. She doesn't give an eff. I wish I had been there.

Mom, don't worry, not really, but sort of.

WTF? Lies All Over The Place!!

You Win!

You Lose!

So, I'm sitting here at work basically trying to just kill the next hour by finding great and witty things to share with all you assholes but guess what? Today is boring. Anyhow, I started getting a craving for something kind of sweet. I looked in the kitchen and of course there is no fruit or anything but there's a Goddamn fridge full of Tab, Coke (all kinds), Sprite, Dr. Pepper and like Fresco (barf). However, there is also a full carton of Pulp Free Tropicana Orange Juice. This is unheard of. Normally that shit is gone by 10am here. Then something catches my eye. A can of Minute Maid "Orangeade". I'm like, "Damn, that shit is good. It's so bad for you and so full of sugar that it kind of burns your throat but I LIKE it!" But then I think about how soda is the devil. But then I really want that damn Orangeade. So I decide to compare calories. WTF? The crappy "Orange DRANK" Orangeade is like only 40 calories more than the orange juice!!!

So I drank the poisonous stuff instead. Shit, it's good.

I Don't Know How to Feel About This...

So apparently, no one has seen the new KATH AND KIM pilot. However, I just saw the promo and it kind of...well...did nothing whatsoever. It was like when you draw a bath and think you've got it at the perfect temperature and you fill the whole tub and then you get in and it's kind of tepid and you're like "Shit. I have to empty out at LEAST half of this then fill it up again with really HOT water. What a waste!"

That's how it made me feel.

So then I looked up a clip of the original show from Australia and almost pissed myself! I know the 'real' clip is kind of long but watch it all as it's worth it to see their friend in the neck brace dancing in a hot nightclub.

Eh...

Awesome!!!!

Lust Object of the Day

This Jovovich-Hawk Fermina dress

$425

Available at: http://www.shopbop.com/fermina-dress-jovovich-hawk/vp/v=1/845524441817455.htm?folderID=2534374302046144&fm=browse-brand-viewall-shopbysize

Song of the Day

MORRISSEY
"The More You Ignore Me The Closer I Get"

Ah, unrequited love, how painful you are...and how much of a hot piece is Morrissey?

My Dream Come True?

Oh, how I wish they were real loaded guns and this was a photo of their murder/ suicide pact or something. I am going to Hell but what's new? You know these attention whores would sell photos even of something like that. When is his sex tape coming out? He's been holding on to it for years. Perhaps the timing is just not right. When they start sinking....then it will come and burn our eyes right out of our heads. Blech!! But of course I will watch it.

People Who Bore the Hell Out of Me.

Lauren Conrad

What the Hell does this bitch do? She seems like one of those horrible snotty brats who grew up with all her needs but especially her WANTS taken care of and now she's got this terrible sense of entitlement. The worst part are her manners. Or rather her lack of. They are non-existent. Remember when this dumb ho was introduced to Marc Jacobs (right?) and she didn't even stand up from her seat. She looked annoyed that her arts and crafts session got interrupted. FUCK! Get your ass up, Bitch, and shake hands like your arm isn't halfway paralyzed. God! What a stupid skank!

MySpace "Model" of the Day

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh shit, bitches.

Yep, I WENT there for those of you who know who this is.
If you don't know then all you need to know is that this rare beauty is:
Tracy Marie Briare/ aka Bunkass Briare

When not impersonating Steven Tyler she can be found rapping about how much she loves being a slut, how lucky you are to get with a trannylicious shim like her and smoking weed.

One word: HOT!

ahhahahaah!

Truly, the face of an angel.

See more exquisite beauty at: http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=278136054

Things I Want...

I want this DESIGN WITHIN REACH model from Airstream. It's awesome.

Song of the Day

HOLE
"Malibu"

Here, let this song make you think of Summer and fun times.

Sorry Bitches...

I have hardly posted anything lately as my life has had no meaning since I have had to return to work after my Fourth of July vacation. I am the biggest fucking drama queen baby but I don't give a Hell. I want to win the lottery, make crafts all day and buy like 3 more French Bulldogs.

Instead, I will sit here at my desk for 10 hours straight, which will probably contribute to an extremely flat ass one day, and try to entertain you other bored asses. Is this really Life? I thought we were supposed to be 'grains of sand' with such a short time on earth that we should embrace each day?!

Fuck That.

What the Eff? Chipmunk Sounds...

Okay, I am embarrassed to admit that I kind of like how this new Heidi Montag song SOUNDS. How the SONG sounds, NOT her. She sounds like a chipmunk on speed. And the lyrics are sad. She needs one more drink to go home with some guy??? That's always a bad idea. She better have money for cab fare when she wakes up next to some ghastly LA wanna be in the AM. SICK.

Actually, doesn't it kind of sound like recent Janet Jackson song? Hmmmm. Rip off. What's new.

UPDATE: THIS SOUNDS LIKE A RIP OFF of FEEDBACK by Janet Jackson! The NERVE!!

Listen to the shit here: http://link.brightcove.com/services/link/bcpid1641243986/bctid1641807757

Douche Party Photos of the Day!

YESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Vegas pics!

In Vegas, makeup is ALWAYS your friend and it's best to take a touch-up purse.
I suggest the 'cough' test before getting with that.

Even though I can't see her face I know he's lucky.

"Um, hey, can you watch my drink for a second. Those guys are weirding me out."

"I like COOOKIE!!!"

"C'mon, no one will notice you've put on some weight. Just give your hair some height, wear a colorful pattern and use some bronzer. It makes your face look thinner. I swear."

So a Fug, a tranny and a rabbit walk into a bar..."

Via: http://www.spyonvegas.com/

Awesome Person of the Day

The Old Man I See Every Morning on Elevado and N. Canon Dr.

Every morning on my way to work I see this old man (70s) sitting on his walker/ mini chair with old school radio headphones on. Just from looking at him I think I've got his story down:

I imagine he wakes up at the crack of his ass (Dawn/ much too early for the rest of us), puts on his khakis and a t-shirt, grabs his headphones (probably NPR or classical) and with the help of his Walker/ resting chair walks his ass out to the side of the house that faces the street. This way he can't be seen from the house since he sits just to the right of the house's windows ON PURPOSE. I bet he lives with his son-in-law and I bet they have young children that torture and annoy his ass. That's why he's outside before they even get up to ask for cereal and start blasting cartoons. He let's the Nanny handle that shit since their mother is probably already out playing tennis or getting Sonya Dakkar facials at 8am and Father has a 'breakfast meeting', with either a real client or the younger woman he is actually sleeping with, at 7:30am sharp.

This old man gets the "Honorary Awesome Person Of the Day" award in perpetuity just for having to tolerate the world at his age.

I salute you, Old Man and I'll see you tomorrow!

Save the Baby Monkeys from Dumb Bitches!!

I was watching the news this morning and there's some hideous new trend that "Empty Nesters" are embracing and lonely old spinsters are trying out; Adopting baby monkeys to take the place of children and babies. I think this is a terrible idea. Besides the fact that it's kind of weird and creepy, people seem to forget that these are WILD animals. One lady was mauled to shit by her monkey just out of the blue! It started attacking the walls and then came after her ass and bit the shit out of her and scratched her to Hell! So then she had to take it to a Monkey Rescue place. Dumb bitch. Now the monkey is stressed out and in an entirely NEW environment. Also, a majority of these monkeys are literally ripped from their real mother's arms!! Talk about heartbreaking. They shoot the mothers with darts and then take their babies when they start to pass out. So the babies don't know why their mother isn't protecting them as they are pulled from their mother's backs, thrown into who the hell knows what kind of cage and then given to some fat, stupid bitch who is 'bored' and has a little money to throw around. I don't like this one bit. Just because you're too lazy or old to adopt a REAL baby doesn't mean you have to emotionally destroy a baby monkey's life. Fuck you anyways. Go eat some more bon bons and make friends with the people on mid day TV.

SAVE THE BABY MONKEYS FROM DUMB BITCHES!!!

Song of the Day

SAM SPARRO

'Black and Gold'