Something happens in 6th grade. You know wayyyyy too much about sex all of a sudden and you hear these really terribly disgusting crude jokes and think they are hilarious even if they don't make any sense. Oh...you didn't do any of that? Bullshit, you're full of crap!! "Shut your face" (says Clint Eastwood). Anyhow, I was totally like that (interested in the most disgusting information I could find out) but I think I've always known way too much about sex. My mother thought it was a great idea to tell me where babies REALLY come from when I was like 5 years old. She said I never laughed so hard in my life. I'm too immature for everything and I'm truly retarded. ANYWAYS, when I saw that Michael K of Dlisted.com had posted those old school photos of New Kids On the Block today it TOTALLY reminded me of my 6th grade obsession with them!!!! I've always been too cynical to enjoy any boy bands or be boy crazy but let me tell you, something about those damn NKOTB really got to me. I had these cheesy ass posters all over my room. GROSS!! So I had this friend, Heather Russo, who came from this CRAZY ass family. Her parents were like devout Christians and they had adopted like 8 crack babies and they were also a "blended" family so they had like 20 kids total. Okay, maybe not that many, but close. I mean, they had so many damn kids they served pasta dinners in a laundry tub! I'm NOT kidding!! SICK!!! Anyhow, Heather had this older sister, I don't remember her name but she was a fucking SLUT!!! A red headed, 8th grade, straight up ho bag! Heather and I would always spy on her in the basement dry humping her "boyfriend" (gardener/ paperboy/ random) of the day until we would burst out laughing and totally get caught and yelled at by Heather's mom to leave the sister alone. She should have looked into what the Hell was going on down there!!! It wasn't a very "Christian" activity. Damn! So the whole point of the story is how the sister used to play this kind of like "Choose Your Own SEX Adventure" story game with us. RELAX, nothing weird went down!! She would just make up these wonderfully outrageous, nasty stories!!! First you would tell her who you wanted the story to be about. Heather probably picked like Danny from NKOTB. I always picked Joey. I know!!! I know!!! A total twink but I didn't know any better!!! He was the "wee" one. So the sister would be all, "Okay, so Joey just played this totally hot concert and the show is over and you guys go back to his hotel room and there's a hot tub jacuzzi in there..." OMG. I better watch what I say, my poor MOTHER reads this blog -well here you go mom..."So you guys totally get naked and get in the jacuzzi and you totally give Joey a bj...." Okay! Alright!! I can't even go on!!! It was soooooooo inappropriate!!! It was filthy and disgusting talk for 12 year olds! I hadn't even seen a wiener in real life yet!! And I certainly shouldn't have!!) But damn, that whore could tell a good story. I always wondered what happened to her ass. I think she really did have a baby like in high school. Big surprise. Probably conceived in that damn basement. Anyways, that's my disgusting story. Hope you enjoyed me humiliating myself a little bit.
This is your mother. I knew you shouldn't have spent so much time there.
ReplyDeleteHa! Thanks for the laugh Robyn.
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