I know I make fun of all these "MySpace Models" but really? Who are these girls? As you can all imagine I spend WAYYYYY too much time perusing Myspace looking for my next victim. I see page after page after page of girls making sure we know just how sexy they are. From the slutty stripper outfits to the kissy face photos to the crotch shots to the pictures of them making out with their bottle blonde friends, its unending. When did it get so unfashionable to be "cute" or a "nice girl" or even pretty as opposed to a skanky, uneducated, uncultured, mall hoping, white lipstick wearing wanna be stripper?? I know that porn stars are much more a part of our everyday culture than ever but why is it so desireable to so many girls to be wholly objectified? I'm sure they would cry "judgemental" or "jealous" to someone like me...but I just don't find exposing my body online to every fucking male (pervert or not) enticing. Who wants some fat schmuck sitting at home jerking it to your 'hips pushed back to make your thighs look thinner-bent at the waist-breasts smashed together- kiss face photo', for FREE??? Damn! At least get a web cam and charge for that shit!! What make these girls offer themselves up in ONLY a sexual way? Why do they insist that every other girl is just a "hater"? Again and again I see these quotes on their profiles like "Y'all Just Jealous" "Y'all want some of this"...Who are these people they are talking about who want their used up, rode hard and put away wet personas? I just have a lot of questions but no real answers. I guess I would hope that there are still some girls out there who don't feel left out if they don't act like easy slags. If I come across one or two I'll let you know.
Sadness!!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
MySpace "Model" Profile of the Day
CHANTELLEAnd don't worry about her professionalism...
"EXPERIENCE: Experienced"
(See comp card above)
Deal of the Day
CANARY COCKTAIL RING
$10.00
Yes, its CZ but who gives an eff?? It's kind of hot!!
Just keep your Goddamn mouth shut and say it was a 'gift'!!
Song Of The Day
MUSE, Supermassive Black Hole
The Vid sucks and is kind of arty farty, just listen to it.
The Vid sucks and is kind of arty farty, just listen to it.
Letter to The Asshole of the Day
Dear Shelley Allen,
You suck. Yes, you completely suck. This morning when I went to the post office to get a passport (which I had to take time off of work for this morning because I know how any Government agency works- like molasses in January on a good day) I was prepared for someone/ something to suck ass, but you really came through.
When I first got up to the desk I thought you seemed nice enough. A little bit lazy but that was to be expected. Your boss was busy yukking it up with your other co-worker about God knows what. But you knew that let you semi off the hook, so you went with it. I loved how annoyed you were when you asked me, "So, you've never applied for a passport?" I can only assume this was annoying to you because if I was only RE-applying it meant less paperwork for you to do.
And then when you took my original birth certificate in your fingers and held it like it was a fresh piece of dog shit and, with one eyebrow raised, asked, "Is this your birth certificate? I don't think it's going to work", I knew we would be best friends. My birth certificate was perfectly legible. It was just old and kind of gray. So I told you, "Really? Well, if it comes to it we could tape it to a piece of paper. It's just kind of old but you can still totally read it. I need to get this done today." With eyebrow still raised you gave me a challenging look and said, 'Yeahhhh...I'm gonna have to ask my Supervisor." So I challenged you back with a firm, "Okay, sure. Thanks" and a bitchy smile. ( I especially hate you for turning me into 'that' girl...bitchy white girl.) I watched you like a hawk while you walked over to your carefree Supervisor. I had this feeling that if your boss was on the fence about whether or not to take the certificate, you, out of unnecessary spite would probably say something like "Are you sure?...we should probably just have her get a new one, this is real hard to read." You bitch. So I watched, and I saw you watch me watching. Your plan was foiled. Haha! So when your boss looked at the certificate and said "Oh dear...but it's fine" I felt your silent defeat. You weren't going to win this power struggle. I quickly said a prayer for the customer who would encounter you after me when you were full of built up frustration at not being able to boss my ass around!
Then we got to the payment. You asked me if I wanted the passport "expedited". I asked you how much that would be. You said "$165" and watched my face for signs of surprise and disappointment. But I knew better. I was already winning this battle of wills and I wasn't going to let you in. "How does that break down?" I asked. I knew you would hate answering and as much as I'd like to say I asked you just to be an annoying bitch, I really just needed to know! Because you know what? I WAS surprised!! I had expected to go in there, pay 100 bucks and get the Hell out! You rolled your eyes and explained that it was 25 for the passport, 75 for some shit and 65 for the rush. I felt that was a retarded amount. I said, "Well online it said that all passports are processed within 4 weeks, so I'm sure it will be fine. Is there a way to check as it gets closer to the time its due?". You were happy to answer "No". But you offered this: "We have to say that it will be done within 4-6 weeks, but it shouldn't be more than 4 weeks total". Damn! You must have surprised yourself! You were cracking!! I softened, but only a little, you had annoyed me too much in the beginning and I was in a hurry. "I'll just do the regular passport thing for $100." Then you said "You'll need a money order for this."
"I have to pay with a money order?" I asked because I couldn't understand how cash was less secure than a fucking money order. "Yeah". So I handed you exactly $101.50. I was slightly pissed off about the money order not making any sense so again, while you were handing me my receipt, I asked, "Why do you have to pay with a money order? Is that just policy?"
"Yep, money order or check only". I could've punched your ass from across the counter. But instead I said "Um, well, you should have told me that because I HAVE checks..." "Oh" you said. "Whatever" I mumbled. Again, I tried not to show any frustration, more of a perplexed "why do mentally retarded people work here" kind of a look cast at you. I couldn't let you WIN!!! At this point it was 1-1 and we were tied for Top Bitch.
"Anything else I can help you with?" you asked with as much boredom you could convey in your voice..."No, thanks, that's it!" I cheerfully said (you didn't get to me! you didn't get to me!!!!) as I slyly looked at your photo ID tag and quickly jotted down your name. I turned and sped out the West Hollywood Post Office doors. You just TRY to fuck with me or my application, Sherry Allen. I've got your number, I've got your fucking number...
The Aggressive End.
You suck. Yes, you completely suck. This morning when I went to the post office to get a passport (which I had to take time off of work for this morning because I know how any Government agency works- like molasses in January on a good day) I was prepared for someone/ something to suck ass, but you really came through.
When I first got up to the desk I thought you seemed nice enough. A little bit lazy but that was to be expected. Your boss was busy yukking it up with your other co-worker about God knows what. But you knew that let you semi off the hook, so you went with it. I loved how annoyed you were when you asked me, "So, you've never applied for a passport?" I can only assume this was annoying to you because if I was only RE-applying it meant less paperwork for you to do.
And then when you took my original birth certificate in your fingers and held it like it was a fresh piece of dog shit and, with one eyebrow raised, asked, "Is this your birth certificate? I don't think it's going to work", I knew we would be best friends. My birth certificate was perfectly legible. It was just old and kind of gray. So I told you, "Really? Well, if it comes to it we could tape it to a piece of paper. It's just kind of old but you can still totally read it. I need to get this done today." With eyebrow still raised you gave me a challenging look and said, 'Yeahhhh...I'm gonna have to ask my Supervisor." So I challenged you back with a firm, "Okay, sure. Thanks" and a bitchy smile. ( I especially hate you for turning me into 'that' girl...bitchy white girl.) I watched you like a hawk while you walked over to your carefree Supervisor. I had this feeling that if your boss was on the fence about whether or not to take the certificate, you, out of unnecessary spite would probably say something like "Are you sure?...we should probably just have her get a new one, this is real hard to read." You bitch. So I watched, and I saw you watch me watching. Your plan was foiled. Haha! So when your boss looked at the certificate and said "Oh dear...but it's fine" I felt your silent defeat. You weren't going to win this power struggle. I quickly said a prayer for the customer who would encounter you after me when you were full of built up frustration at not being able to boss my ass around!
Then we got to the payment. You asked me if I wanted the passport "expedited". I asked you how much that would be. You said "$165" and watched my face for signs of surprise and disappointment. But I knew better. I was already winning this battle of wills and I wasn't going to let you in. "How does that break down?" I asked. I knew you would hate answering and as much as I'd like to say I asked you just to be an annoying bitch, I really just needed to know! Because you know what? I WAS surprised!! I had expected to go in there, pay 100 bucks and get the Hell out! You rolled your eyes and explained that it was 25 for the passport, 75 for some shit and 65 for the rush. I felt that was a retarded amount. I said, "Well online it said that all passports are processed within 4 weeks, so I'm sure it will be fine. Is there a way to check as it gets closer to the time its due?". You were happy to answer "No". But you offered this: "We have to say that it will be done within 4-6 weeks, but it shouldn't be more than 4 weeks total". Damn! You must have surprised yourself! You were cracking!! I softened, but only a little, you had annoyed me too much in the beginning and I was in a hurry. "I'll just do the regular passport thing for $100." Then you said "You'll need a money order for this."
"I have to pay with a money order?" I asked because I couldn't understand how cash was less secure than a fucking money order. "Yeah". So I handed you exactly $101.50. I was slightly pissed off about the money order not making any sense so again, while you were handing me my receipt, I asked, "Why do you have to pay with a money order? Is that just policy?"
"Yep, money order or check only". I could've punched your ass from across the counter. But instead I said "Um, well, you should have told me that because I HAVE checks..." "Oh" you said. "Whatever" I mumbled. Again, I tried not to show any frustration, more of a perplexed "why do mentally retarded people work here" kind of a look cast at you. I couldn't let you WIN!!! At this point it was 1-1 and we were tied for Top Bitch.
"Anything else I can help you with?" you asked with as much boredom you could convey in your voice..."No, thanks, that's it!" I cheerfully said (you didn't get to me! you didn't get to me!!!!) as I slyly looked at your photo ID tag and quickly jotted down your name. I turned and sped out the West Hollywood Post Office doors. You just TRY to fuck with me or my application, Sherry Allen. I've got your number, I've got your fucking number...
The Aggressive End.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Perhaps the Greatest Story, Ever, Out of Australia.
I did sniff colleague's chair, admits politician.
"One of Australia’s most senior conservative politicians broke down as he tearfully admitted sniffing the chair of a female colleague shortly after she vacated it..."
Is Latarian taken? 'Cause I think I'm in love...
"It all ended on Investment Way"
This kid is hot shit!
Latarian said he took the car keys and hopped into his grandmother's Dodge Durango.
"And when I came though the back door, I look on the counter and my keys were gone," said Zikkita Stratford, the boy's grandmother.
"I took my grandmother's car because I got mad at my mom. And I saw my friend come in and he smoke cigarettes." He started the vehicle and put it into gear. "I yanked. I yanked it. I yanked the thing and off we went," Latarian said."I wanted to do it because it's fun, fun to do bad things, to drive into a car," Latarian said. "I wanted to do hood rat stuff with my friend."
It all ended on Investment Lane and Consumer Drive. That's where Latarian hit the curb and sideswiped a sign. The SUV took most of the beating, snapping off one of its axels and wheels.
"I want to whip his behind. That's what I want to do right now. If I thought they wouldn't take me to jail, I'd whip his behind right now," Stratford said.
(If it says the video is not available look it up on youtube or Google it, it's totally worth it. Try "Latarian, Florida, joyride, etc)
MakeUp Item of the Day
$37.00Kind of pricey but they last forever and at least one of the 13 shades will look great on you.
Text Message of the Day
"hey its ur cuz. this is my new cell. court went great im a free woman!"
My cousin to me after her 'assault' charge was dismissed in court today.
MySpace "Model" Profile of the Day
Natasha Dior
"You know I look better then you Bitch!"
Note taken, Natasha!
Strenghts: Excellent spelling skills.
Quote of the Day!
I actually heard this today:
"Hey, Listen, I gotta go be exotic!"
What the fuck does that mean???
Monday, April 28, 2008
Picture of the Day that I Cannot Effing Handle!!!
Oh sick. "Santa Clause at 21" (Spencer) and his Pony.
People can be so effing weird!
Okay, I've debated whether or not to post this but it's just TOO weird and TOO good. Stuff like this always happens to me and I don't know why. I used to be friends with this girl, B*, when she was new at a job of mine. She seemed cool enough and like she didn't buy into the bullshit and totally talked crap about everybody. We totally got along because I can't handle phony, pretentious bs either. About a month into our friendship she starts asking me about this guy at work, K*, and I'm like 'Whatever, whatever, yeah, he's funny" and that's it. Well, one day K* stops me in the hall at work and is like "Why the fuck are you telling people we hooked up?". WTF? I'm like "Dude, what the fuck are you talking about? B* was insinuating to ME that YOU were the one saying some shit went down between us but because I know it's complete bullshit I kind of just ignored it. What the effing Hell is going on?" So he and I had this like super cheesy heart to heart and it turned out that this *B chick was CRAY-ZEE as hell!! She had been telling each of us that the other had opened up to her and told her that we had hooked up! Gross and weird!! So, that day, I just stopped talking to this girl. She ended up getting ALL involved in every single bit of gossip where I worked and would like latch on to each new person who came along because they didn't know her rep yet (for loving drama). That went down like 18 months ago...
I recently went on a much needed 3 week vacation...All I did for 3 weeks was sleep, hang out with my boyfriend, watch Maury Povitch and put everything back in perspective. The DAY I get back to work, I have a notice that I have a Facebook message from *B.... (who, remember, hasn't even spoken to me in like over a year)???? so I read it. As follows:
hey... Its 3 something and I just got home, checked my facebook, saw a robyn update and looked your profile. I had to message you because of a couple reasons. I think you're awesome and needed to make contact with you. U remember we really connected a couple years ago then didn't anymore. you're insane and awesome and I want to say sorry, over facebook, for dis-connecting us. I think you're great and wanted you to know. Go ahead and analyze, robyn, as we know you do, but just remember it takes a lot for me to bullshit so please just accept the compliment and apology. Can we gave coffee or brunch soon? To catch up.
*B
Um...wtf? At first I thought this was the handiwork of this totally psycho guy that I used to work with who had a mental breakdown and quit, because of the slightly 'aggressive' nature of some of the sentences (i.e. Go ahead and analyze, robyn, as we know you do...") but whoever really wrote it could actually spell. So it couldn't be him. So I sat on it for a day...what to do? Message her back? Ignore it? I discussed the creepy matter with only like 2 people to save both of us (*B and me) the embarrassment of a highly juvenile situation. I considered the fact that *B could have been drunk (she did post at 3:48AM on a Monday morning...) or that she could have been on Ambien, people do all KINDS of retarded shit on Ambien. Finally, I decided to be the bigger person, even if it was a trick, and responded in a highly neutral way to deflect any weirdness and take away any ammunition. So this is what I wrote:
Hey...you know, a lot changes in a year and a half...ha. I honestly hadn't even really thought about any of that in a lonnngggg time. Whatever, you know? I've just been working my ass off on my boss' desk and deciding what I want to do / where I want to go next.Thanks for your note. Anytime you want to get coffee or anything just let me know. I haven't left my desk for coffee OR anything in ages...
R
A day went by, two, three...It was finally Friday and no response. I conferred with the 2 people I had previously discussed the matter with. They had no ideas. I gave up. And to this day I've gotten nothing but a super awkward glance when the elevator doors opened and it was only the two of us standing there. I looked away so she wouldn't feel bad but then I thought about it. Who GIVES a hell??? I didn't do anything weird. Fuck that. Ugh.
There's not really any point to this story other than some people are really weird. I mean, wouldn't you at least acknowledge it and be all, "Oh, sorry Dude, I was wayyy drunk..." or some shit. Ignoring it is just psycho. And any sort of drama over Facebook or MySpace is embarrassing!! I knew I shouldn't have fallen for it!!!!
THE END
Friday, April 25, 2008
Song Of The Day
The Party, "FREE"
Oh my effing Hell. Damon Pampolina was such a hot piece!!! Damon Forever!!
I used to rock out to this shit in like 6th grade.
MySpace "Model" Profile of the Day
Shaune Sharmaine
"No one would ever guess it was totally freezing that day!!"
With God given cheekbones, lips and teeth like that she is a true Classic Beauty!!
And she can act!
"The Ghost" by Pale
I love Muse.
Taken at Street Scene 2007 in San Diego. One of the best concerts ever and best live band ever.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
You Tube Video of the Day
Hot Ass Maria Maria Pole Dance
Oh my Hell!! You know she totally watched her *Lil' Minx* pole moves video until she got the moves down! Her pole spins on it's own which is kind of cheating but whatever. Maria Maria Forever!!
MySpace "Model" Profile of the Day
KATY""Crazy for state troopers in their uniform and boots...damn they look hot""
Song Of The Day
Duran Duran: TEMPTED
Excuse the craptastic, homemade video and just listen to the song.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Deal of the Day
Marc by Marc Jacobs
Stone leather 'Utility' key pouch
Stone leather 'Utility' key pouch
Available at Bluefly.com
$48.00
Link to Bluefly
Let Me Introduce Mazzy Lamb
Mazzy Lamb is my 17 month old French Bulldog. I love his ass to death! I have never met anyone who didn't like him. He is magical and charming. Yes, I'm talking about a dog, but just shut the fuck up!! All he wants is to be with someone, whether they are sleeping or taking a walk or watching TV. He is a doll and he is an absolute little shit sometimes. Last week my boyfriend spent the night and Mazzy was banished to his "area" behind the baby gate. He wasn't too happy about it and barked to let us know how he was feeling. He got 'shushed' and he didn't appreciate it. The next morning I woke up and took him for his AM bathroom break. He did his business and then came back inside and returned to his 'area'. I left for work. At some point my BF got up again and let Mazzy into the bedroom to sleep with him for a little longer. My BF fell asleep. He woke up to an overpowering stench. He thought it was just the usual Mazzy gas, but it wasn't. He rolled over and looked down at the floor next to his side of the bed. There, perfectly placed on his jeans, shirt and jacket was one of the fattest shits Mazzy has ever taken. A normal dog would probably do this mindlessly. Mazzy had an agenda. He saved up his 'business' and specifically shat upon my BF's clothes as a reminder that he comes first in my life and he won't be banished to his 'area' if he doesn't want to be. Note taken.
Birth Announcement!!
There is no way to write this post so that it doesn't look bitter, but I don't give a Hell so here goes:
As many of you know I was engaged about a year ago...Things took a turn for the worse in the very last 2 weeks of the relationship. He went off all his 'medication' and lost his shit. I pulled myself together, packed up my baby (French Bulldog named Mazzy Lamb), and all my shit and hi-tailed it out of that apartment. About 2 months later I was informed that my ex (who was 29 at the time) had hooked up with this 18yr old stripper that worked at Star Strip AND gotten her knocked up. I thought I would be devastated by such news but because it was such an amazing, trashy and unbelievable situation, I was more shocked than anything. Then I started to enjoy the information. Since my ex couldn't even ever be bothered to get out of bed on the weekends (or any other day) to take Mazzy outside to pee, I can only IMAGINE the fine father he will make when his baby was up screaming all night. This guy has ZERO experience with kids. Well, lo and behold! He and his Lady have given birth to the spawn at last! Tipped off by a friend, I found some pictures of the little white lizard. Poor thing looks just like his parents and was given a horrendous name. Again, I thought this information would be hard to take...but all I can think about are his sleepless nights, shitty diapers and financial ruin! I'll be headed home tonight to my awesome boyfriend, my crazy but manageable Mazzy and my free lifestyle! haha! Take that! Maybe I'll send him a postcard from the Cayman Islands where my BF and I will be spending a long, deserved week. Oh my Hell. ha!
As many of you know I was engaged about a year ago...Things took a turn for the worse in the very last 2 weeks of the relationship. He went off all his 'medication' and lost his shit. I pulled myself together, packed up my baby (French Bulldog named Mazzy Lamb), and all my shit and hi-tailed it out of that apartment. About 2 months later I was informed that my ex (who was 29 at the time) had hooked up with this 18yr old stripper that worked at Star Strip AND gotten her knocked up. I thought I would be devastated by such news but because it was such an amazing, trashy and unbelievable situation, I was more shocked than anything. Then I started to enjoy the information. Since my ex couldn't even ever be bothered to get out of bed on the weekends (or any other day) to take Mazzy outside to pee, I can only IMAGINE the fine father he will make when his baby was up screaming all night. This guy has ZERO experience with kids. Well, lo and behold! He and his Lady have given birth to the spawn at last! Tipped off by a friend, I found some pictures of the little white lizard. Poor thing looks just like his parents and was given a horrendous name. Again, I thought this information would be hard to take...but all I can think about are his sleepless nights, shitty diapers and financial ruin! I'll be headed home tonight to my awesome boyfriend, my crazy but manageable Mazzy and my free lifestyle! haha! Take that! Maybe I'll send him a postcard from the Cayman Islands where my BF and I will be spending a long, deserved week. Oh my Hell. ha!
Monday, April 21, 2008
Get In, Sit Down, Shut Up and Hold On.
When I was 17 and finally had my license I started hanging out with my cousin a lot. She lived a half an hour south of me in Santa Barbara, CA. Now, her living situation was a little unconventional. See, she had a baby when she was 16. Because her own mother obviously lacked basic parenting skills, she ended up living with the father of the baby and his family. Over time, the happy, first time teen parents became less than enthralled with each other. The father was an aspiring neo Nazi at the time and was too busy running around tagging 'North side Boyz' on bridges, hooking up with new chicks and talking shit to anyone who passed him, to be home with his baby. My cousin got sick of his ass, fell out of "love" with him and started dating Rob. Rob, a slight step up from the Nazi-In-Training, still came from a rather rough family of 5 boys. Rob, Randy, Royal, Ryan and Ricky. Rob wasn't so bad. He actually did treat my cousin very well and took care of her daughter as if she were his own. But Rob had a ghetto side of him that he just couldn't quite shake. He used to not only sell us liquor as minors but he'd also ring it up on the register for like $1.99. That went on until he got caught by the security cameras and the Asian guy that owned the store took him to court. I think Rob did a couple days in jail. Looking back, I guess Rob was kind of awesome in a "Joe Dirt" way.
My cousin always had some sort of drama going on with this bitch or that ho. Whether it was her baby daddy's new girlfriend or some chick who dared to look sideways at Rob, it was on. Numerous threatening phone calls were made with Rob and my cousin's 300lb Hispanic friend, Alicia, shouting encouragements in the background.
Nazi had gotten himself a younger chick. Kinda cute, super blonde, tan,trashy and from a real live trailer park. None of this sat well with my cousin. She didn't want him back but she didn't enjoy seeing this chick come over to the house and take off with the Nazi while she was stuckwith the kid. The 2 girls started exchanging shitty glances which led to shitty comments mumbled under their breath, which led to, "What'd you say...bitch?" which led to yelling matches in the house until one of the boys would drag his girlfriend off to avoid a brawl. My cousin was not about to be disrespected in her own home by some slutty little twig and she was going to teach her a lesson.
There we were, my cousin and I, sitting on her couch on a Friday night.The baby's hippy grandfather had taken her for the night so the Nazi and my cousin could "be kids once in a while". Rob was on his way over and we were trying to think of something to do. The subject of the Twig Slut came up.
"I fucking hate her."
"Who?" I asked.
"Fuckin' Twig Slut. Whore."
"Oh her. Yeah I know, she's so annoying" (I really didn't give a shit either way)
"Dude, we should totally prank call her and scare the shit out of her."
"Isn't she with Nazi? He'll totally know it's you. That's retarded."
"No. Nazi went out with John E. tonight. They are doing '24Hour Drinkin', Stinkin', Not Even Thinkin'."
"Oh".
That guaranteed that the Nazi would be nowhere near his little girlfriend. During 24 Hour, Drinkin', Stinkin, Not Even Thinkin' the goal was to get as fucked up as you could, fuck as many chicks as you could convince to fuck you, yell racial slurs out the window of your bronco, have a "who can take mace to the face without crying first" contest, get in a fight and just be totally disgusting in general, for 24 hours straight. I had seen the Nazi come home from these benders; he smelled and looked like absolute shit.
I could see my cousin's eyes glaze over a bit...she was deciding the fate of Slut Twig. It would either be a threatening phone call of epic proportions, "I'm gonna come over there, cut your head off and shit down your throat" was one I had heard at some point. A bit over the top but it seemed to usually disturb the recipient a fair deal. Or, it might be a night of numerous hang up's which would bore me quickly and I'd probably just take off.
Rob arrived. My cousin went into Baby Voice.
"Hey, Baby. So, we're thinking of fucking with Slut Twig."
"Cool", said Rob as he sweetly kissed my cousin on her head. Jesus."Whaddya, thinking?"
"Well, she lives in that trailer park over off of De La Vina by The Chicken Ranch. We should go kick her ass."
I startled a little at this statement. I thought this was just going to be a prank call? Dude, whatever, she was just talking. She was always talking.
Rob: "Cool. Let's do it. Is Alicia coming over?"
"Yeah, she should be here any minute".
What the Hell??? Alicia??? Ugh! I couldn't STAND Alicia! First off, she was just this really annoying, loud, trash asshole that my cousin ALWAYS hung out with. She weighed like 300lbs, I'm NOT kidding, and had crunchy permed red/black hair. She wore these nasty ass acrylic nails that she was always chewing on. Oh my God, she was so annoying. However, I made sure she thought we were friends so that there was no chance she would ever start a beef with me. I was wayyyy too scared of her. She had a boyfriend in Jail. I don't know what he did, but knowing Alicia it was probably something hard core or she wouldn't be attracted to him and put up with a long distance relationship. I'm sure he stabbed someone to defend her honor or something like that. True Love.
The fact that Alicia was coming over added something to the equation that I did not like. Alicia encouraged my cousin to do all sorts of stupid shit and with Alicia's 300lb support she often went thru with said "stupid shit". Alicia showed up in her usual wildly misfitting jeans and black t-shirt. It probably had a picture of a low-rider with a ghastly killer clown face thrown in somewhere. Or it could have had a picture of a rose with thorns down the stem and the letters, "THC" floating out of the rose.I'm sure one of those is correct.
"What up, yo!" she yelled as she came crashing thru the screen door.
Everything she did was loud. I smiled and said "Hey, Alicia!" We never really knew how to relate to each other but we tried to pretend.
They got into the details of the night's events quickly.
"Soooo, we are gonna fuck with Twig Slut tonight."
Alicia: "No way dude! Hell yeah! Fuck that skinny bitch! " Alicia was already way too excited about this for me to handle. In my head, I began planning my escape...
Rob: "Cool. We can drive by my house, get some 'supplies' first. "
Supplies? What the hell kind of 'supplies' did we need to intimidate this girl? My cousin was scary in a scrappy, skinny chick that fought dirty way, Rob was ghetto as Hell and Alicia was frightening just to look at. We didn't need supplies for this. I wanted to go home.
Me: "Dude, you guys, it's kind of late already, don't you think she'll be out or if she's not out she'll probably be in bed. I mean, Jesus, I'm already kind of tired! You know?"
My cousin: "You are NOT pussing out! Are you pussing out? You don't even have to DO anything! Come on, don't be a baby dude. It's nothing. Just come with."
It's nothing. Hmmm...It's nothing. My cousin and I are very different people. "Nothing" to me is, like, sneaking off campus in my friend's trunk to go to lunch at the El Rancho Deli a half mile away and still being nervous about getting caught. "Nothing" to my cousin is an afternoon of shoplifting from Nordstrom's followed by an evening of drinking Jack Daniels and smoking weed to celebrate her new wardrobe.
They were all looking at me expectantly. "Gawd! Alright! I'll go."Don't ask me why. I still have no idea.
We all piled into Rob's awesome Rave Mobile. He and my cousin had really gotten into the Rave scene and felt the need to tell the world they were"Ravers". The elegant vehicle was a mid nineties Ford Escort (LX, I think) in a rusty orange color. The money part was the blue glow tape Rob had installed on the interior. All the way around the front windshield, around various parts of the dashboard, down the bases of the driver's and passenger's side window, wrapping all the way around the back of the headrest's of the back seats and up to the front again was this gorgeous glowing blue tape. It looked kind of cool in the daylight but nighttime? Forget it. HOT!Next thing I knew, we were stopped in Rob's driveway. Rob, my cousin, and Alicia disappeared into the house. The girls were merely decoys for Rob's mother; they were going to shoot the shit with her so Rob could collect his 'supplies' unnoticed. After a few minutes Rob came back out. He was carrying something long and black. As he got closer I could see that it was a beat stick. The kind the cops use. Rob opened the car door and yanked the driver's seat forward to place the beatstick under my feet. This time I couldn't hide my distaste for the whole situation. Rob saw my face.
"Uh. Too much drama?" he asked me while nodding towards the beat stick lying at my feet.
"Uh, yeah, Rob. A little too much drama." I sarcastically replied.
"Um, okay. You're probably right. Haha" he said somewhat sheepishly.Thank God he had some sense of how ridiculous he was, even if it took me pointing it out.He ran back in the house with the beat stick tucked in his pants. A moment later he came out again, this time carrying something wrapped in a plastic garbage bag. Again he pulled the driver's seat forward and started to put the "supply" under my feet. As he did so he also pulled the supply out of the bag. It was a Goddamn HAND SAW! He smiled at me like "Check THIS out!" and I just rolled my eyes. This was getting out of control. He got in the car and honked the horn for my cousin and Alicia to hurry up. They quickly came out and got in the car. I could feel their excitement at being so close to carrying out a beat down(and, perhaps, a murder? Oh my Hell...) on Twig Slut.
We drove to Twig Slut's trailer park. It was rather large.
"Oh, Fuck! How are we going to know which one is hers?"
"What kind of car do her parent's drive?"
"How would I know?"
Me: "Isn't she like, an honor student or some shit? I'm sure her parents have that dumb sticker on their car"
Hoots and hollers all around.
"You are so fucking smart dude!"
"Yeah! Cuz is getting into this! Nice work!"
I really didn't mean to be of any help. I guess I was just hoping we could get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible. I didn't WANT any of this to happen. In fact I was thinking about how I would explain myself to the cops when we were arrested for assault.
"Just along for the ride, Sir! Had NO idea!" Sure. I had only heard stories about Juvenile Hall when I sat near the rough kids on the bus and listened in to their "Juvie" tales. It sounded like the kind of place that would destroy a nerd like me.
Rob slowly drove up and down the streets inside the trailer park. Finally, under a tin roofed garage, we saw it, a maroon Buick with that sticker right on the back right bumper, "My Child is an Honor student at San Marcos High School". Rob kept driving past it at the same rate as not to draw any attention to us. (Maybe he should have skipped the glowing blue tape as well. But whatever.) He pulled the car up 3 or 4 trailers and turned the car off. Again we all sat there, my mind racing with ways to explain this to my assigned Juvie officer, I assumed the rest of them were planning their attack on Slut Twig.
"Okay, so...how are we gonna get her out here?" asked my cousin.
"We can call her and tell her to come outside!" suggested Alicia.
"That's stupid, Alicia. If someone called me and told me to go outside I'd be all "Fuck You."
"Wait, she knows your cousin right?"
"Yeah"
"Well, send her over to knock on Slut Twig's window and say she has something to tell her."
All 3 turned to look at me.
"No. No way. There's no way. Don't even look at me! I won't! I won't do it!!"
"Oh C'mon. It's no big deal. You just say that you need to talk to her about something about Nazi."
"Yeah, just say you have something to tell her and then when she comes out of the house you can run back to the car and WE'LL jump her. You only have to get her to come out!"
Wouldn't this be like 'accomplice to assault/ murder'? I was over this 5 minutes ago. I didn't care how mad they got. Fuck them and their perpetual drama.
"No, I dont GIVE a fuck anymore. This is stupid. You wanna beat her ass then YOU get her to come out. I'm not leaving this car and the minute we get to your house, I'm going HOME!"
The nerd had spoken. They all sat there looking kind of defeated. All that build up, all that anticipation and stupid ME had let them down. I had killed the momentum.
"Well..."
"Well..."
"Whatever, eh? Let's go back to the house and smoke out"
And with that they were over their blood lust. With that I could SEE that they were almost HAPPY I had so adamantly turned their stupid proposal down. Fuckers! It all depended on me? It wasn't even MY idea to begin with and they gave ME all that power? Ugh. I felt so used.
We rode home in semi silence, mostly I think, because they were embarrassed at being the ones to "puss out" in the end. Whatever, I didn't give a Hell!!
As soon as we got to my cousin's I grabbed my weekend bag and drove all the way home. I probably hung out with my family that weekend. All I know is that I was plenty happy doing something/anything that wouldn't land this dork in "Juvie".
The End
My cousin always had some sort of drama going on with this bitch or that ho. Whether it was her baby daddy's new girlfriend or some chick who dared to look sideways at Rob, it was on. Numerous threatening phone calls were made with Rob and my cousin's 300lb Hispanic friend, Alicia, shouting encouragements in the background.
Nazi had gotten himself a younger chick. Kinda cute, super blonde, tan,trashy and from a real live trailer park. None of this sat well with my cousin. She didn't want him back but she didn't enjoy seeing this chick come over to the house and take off with the Nazi while she was stuckwith the kid. The 2 girls started exchanging shitty glances which led to shitty comments mumbled under their breath, which led to, "What'd you say...bitch?" which led to yelling matches in the house until one of the boys would drag his girlfriend off to avoid a brawl. My cousin was not about to be disrespected in her own home by some slutty little twig and she was going to teach her a lesson.
There we were, my cousin and I, sitting on her couch on a Friday night.The baby's hippy grandfather had taken her for the night so the Nazi and my cousin could "be kids once in a while". Rob was on his way over and we were trying to think of something to do. The subject of the Twig Slut came up.
"I fucking hate her."
"Who?" I asked.
"Fuckin' Twig Slut. Whore."
"Oh her. Yeah I know, she's so annoying" (I really didn't give a shit either way)
"Dude, we should totally prank call her and scare the shit out of her."
"Isn't she with Nazi? He'll totally know it's you. That's retarded."
"No. Nazi went out with John E. tonight. They are doing '24Hour Drinkin', Stinkin', Not Even Thinkin'."
"Oh".
That guaranteed that the Nazi would be nowhere near his little girlfriend. During 24 Hour, Drinkin', Stinkin, Not Even Thinkin' the goal was to get as fucked up as you could, fuck as many chicks as you could convince to fuck you, yell racial slurs out the window of your bronco, have a "who can take mace to the face without crying first" contest, get in a fight and just be totally disgusting in general, for 24 hours straight. I had seen the Nazi come home from these benders; he smelled and looked like absolute shit.
I could see my cousin's eyes glaze over a bit...she was deciding the fate of Slut Twig. It would either be a threatening phone call of epic proportions, "I'm gonna come over there, cut your head off and shit down your throat" was one I had heard at some point. A bit over the top but it seemed to usually disturb the recipient a fair deal. Or, it might be a night of numerous hang up's which would bore me quickly and I'd probably just take off.
Rob arrived. My cousin went into Baby Voice.
"Hey, Baby. So, we're thinking of fucking with Slut Twig."
"Cool", said Rob as he sweetly kissed my cousin on her head. Jesus."Whaddya, thinking?"
"Well, she lives in that trailer park over off of De La Vina by The Chicken Ranch. We should go kick her ass."
I startled a little at this statement. I thought this was just going to be a prank call? Dude, whatever, she was just talking. She was always talking.
Rob: "Cool. Let's do it. Is Alicia coming over?"
"Yeah, she should be here any minute".
What the Hell??? Alicia??? Ugh! I couldn't STAND Alicia! First off, she was just this really annoying, loud, trash asshole that my cousin ALWAYS hung out with. She weighed like 300lbs, I'm NOT kidding, and had crunchy permed red/black hair. She wore these nasty ass acrylic nails that she was always chewing on. Oh my God, she was so annoying. However, I made sure she thought we were friends so that there was no chance she would ever start a beef with me. I was wayyyy too scared of her. She had a boyfriend in Jail. I don't know what he did, but knowing Alicia it was probably something hard core or she wouldn't be attracted to him and put up with a long distance relationship. I'm sure he stabbed someone to defend her honor or something like that. True Love.
The fact that Alicia was coming over added something to the equation that I did not like. Alicia encouraged my cousin to do all sorts of stupid shit and with Alicia's 300lb support she often went thru with said "stupid shit". Alicia showed up in her usual wildly misfitting jeans and black t-shirt. It probably had a picture of a low-rider with a ghastly killer clown face thrown in somewhere. Or it could have had a picture of a rose with thorns down the stem and the letters, "THC" floating out of the rose.I'm sure one of those is correct.
"What up, yo!" she yelled as she came crashing thru the screen door.
Everything she did was loud. I smiled and said "Hey, Alicia!" We never really knew how to relate to each other but we tried to pretend.
They got into the details of the night's events quickly.
"Soooo, we are gonna fuck with Twig Slut tonight."
Alicia: "No way dude! Hell yeah! Fuck that skinny bitch! " Alicia was already way too excited about this for me to handle. In my head, I began planning my escape...
Rob: "Cool. We can drive by my house, get some 'supplies' first. "
Supplies? What the hell kind of 'supplies' did we need to intimidate this girl? My cousin was scary in a scrappy, skinny chick that fought dirty way, Rob was ghetto as Hell and Alicia was frightening just to look at. We didn't need supplies for this. I wanted to go home.
Me: "Dude, you guys, it's kind of late already, don't you think she'll be out or if she's not out she'll probably be in bed. I mean, Jesus, I'm already kind of tired! You know?"
My cousin: "You are NOT pussing out! Are you pussing out? You don't even have to DO anything! Come on, don't be a baby dude. It's nothing. Just come with."
It's nothing. Hmmm...It's nothing. My cousin and I are very different people. "Nothing" to me is, like, sneaking off campus in my friend's trunk to go to lunch at the El Rancho Deli a half mile away and still being nervous about getting caught. "Nothing" to my cousin is an afternoon of shoplifting from Nordstrom's followed by an evening of drinking Jack Daniels and smoking weed to celebrate her new wardrobe.
They were all looking at me expectantly. "Gawd! Alright! I'll go."Don't ask me why. I still have no idea.
We all piled into Rob's awesome Rave Mobile. He and my cousin had really gotten into the Rave scene and felt the need to tell the world they were"Ravers". The elegant vehicle was a mid nineties Ford Escort (LX, I think) in a rusty orange color. The money part was the blue glow tape Rob had installed on the interior. All the way around the front windshield, around various parts of the dashboard, down the bases of the driver's and passenger's side window, wrapping all the way around the back of the headrest's of the back seats and up to the front again was this gorgeous glowing blue tape. It looked kind of cool in the daylight but nighttime? Forget it. HOT!Next thing I knew, we were stopped in Rob's driveway. Rob, my cousin, and Alicia disappeared into the house. The girls were merely decoys for Rob's mother; they were going to shoot the shit with her so Rob could collect his 'supplies' unnoticed. After a few minutes Rob came back out. He was carrying something long and black. As he got closer I could see that it was a beat stick. The kind the cops use. Rob opened the car door and yanked the driver's seat forward to place the beatstick under my feet. This time I couldn't hide my distaste for the whole situation. Rob saw my face.
"Uh. Too much drama?" he asked me while nodding towards the beat stick lying at my feet.
"Uh, yeah, Rob. A little too much drama." I sarcastically replied.
"Um, okay. You're probably right. Haha" he said somewhat sheepishly.Thank God he had some sense of how ridiculous he was, even if it took me pointing it out.He ran back in the house with the beat stick tucked in his pants. A moment later he came out again, this time carrying something wrapped in a plastic garbage bag. Again he pulled the driver's seat forward and started to put the "supply" under my feet. As he did so he also pulled the supply out of the bag. It was a Goddamn HAND SAW! He smiled at me like "Check THIS out!" and I just rolled my eyes. This was getting out of control. He got in the car and honked the horn for my cousin and Alicia to hurry up. They quickly came out and got in the car. I could feel their excitement at being so close to carrying out a beat down(and, perhaps, a murder? Oh my Hell...) on Twig Slut.
We drove to Twig Slut's trailer park. It was rather large.
"Oh, Fuck! How are we going to know which one is hers?"
"What kind of car do her parent's drive?"
"How would I know?"
Me: "Isn't she like, an honor student or some shit? I'm sure her parents have that dumb sticker on their car"
Hoots and hollers all around.
"You are so fucking smart dude!"
"Yeah! Cuz is getting into this! Nice work!"
I really didn't mean to be of any help. I guess I was just hoping we could get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible. I didn't WANT any of this to happen. In fact I was thinking about how I would explain myself to the cops when we were arrested for assault.
"Just along for the ride, Sir! Had NO idea!" Sure. I had only heard stories about Juvenile Hall when I sat near the rough kids on the bus and listened in to their "Juvie" tales. It sounded like the kind of place that would destroy a nerd like me.
Rob slowly drove up and down the streets inside the trailer park. Finally, under a tin roofed garage, we saw it, a maroon Buick with that sticker right on the back right bumper, "My Child is an Honor student at San Marcos High School". Rob kept driving past it at the same rate as not to draw any attention to us. (Maybe he should have skipped the glowing blue tape as well. But whatever.) He pulled the car up 3 or 4 trailers and turned the car off. Again we all sat there, my mind racing with ways to explain this to my assigned Juvie officer, I assumed the rest of them were planning their attack on Slut Twig.
"Okay, so...how are we gonna get her out here?" asked my cousin.
"We can call her and tell her to come outside!" suggested Alicia.
"That's stupid, Alicia. If someone called me and told me to go outside I'd be all "Fuck You."
"Wait, she knows your cousin right?"
"Yeah"
"Well, send her over to knock on Slut Twig's window and say she has something to tell her."
All 3 turned to look at me.
"No. No way. There's no way. Don't even look at me! I won't! I won't do it!!"
"Oh C'mon. It's no big deal. You just say that you need to talk to her about something about Nazi."
"Yeah, just say you have something to tell her and then when she comes out of the house you can run back to the car and WE'LL jump her. You only have to get her to come out!"
Wouldn't this be like 'accomplice to assault/ murder'? I was over this 5 minutes ago. I didn't care how mad they got. Fuck them and their perpetual drama.
"No, I dont GIVE a fuck anymore. This is stupid. You wanna beat her ass then YOU get her to come out. I'm not leaving this car and the minute we get to your house, I'm going HOME!"
The nerd had spoken. They all sat there looking kind of defeated. All that build up, all that anticipation and stupid ME had let them down. I had killed the momentum.
"Well..."
"Well..."
"Whatever, eh? Let's go back to the house and smoke out"
And with that they were over their blood lust. With that I could SEE that they were almost HAPPY I had so adamantly turned their stupid proposal down. Fuckers! It all depended on me? It wasn't even MY idea to begin with and they gave ME all that power? Ugh. I felt so used.
We rode home in semi silence, mostly I think, because they were embarrassed at being the ones to "puss out" in the end. Whatever, I didn't give a Hell!!
As soon as we got to my cousin's I grabbed my weekend bag and drove all the way home. I probably hung out with my family that weekend. All I know is that I was plenty happy doing something/anything that wouldn't land this dork in "Juvie".
The End
Trail Mix is Not Healthy
After discovering that the Nuva Ring pretty much destroyed my life in many ways, not the least of which was gaining like 5-6 lbs, I've been trying to be fairly good about what I eat. Trailmix always comes to mind as a 'healthy' snack. Too bad. It's not. It's 'fake healthy'. A fellow employee just let me know that "trail mix is totally bad for you. I mean, it's full of fat." I pretended I was completely unaware of this (I sort of had an idea, but didn't really care today) and then tucked my trailmix away in a slightly embarrassed fashion. Then she told me that I could have "All the fruit juice I wanted though". What the Hell? Fruit Juice is full of effing sugar!! Whatever. I can't win and I don't care. I'm waiting an half hour then hiding my trailmix (Trader Joes Rainbow Mix) by my scanner so she can't see if she walks by me again.
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