When I was 17 and finally had my license I started hanging out with my cousin a lot. She lived a half an hour south of me in Santa Barbara, CA. Now, her living situation was a little unconventional. See, she had a baby when she was 16. Because her own mother obviously lacked basic parenting skills, she ended up living with the father of the baby and his family. Over time, the happy, first time teen parents became less than enthralled with each other. The father was an aspiring neo Nazi at the time and was too busy running around tagging 'North side Boyz' on bridges, hooking up with new chicks and talking shit to anyone who passed him, to be home with his baby. My cousin got sick of his ass, fell out of "love" with him and started dating Rob. Rob, a slight step up from the Nazi-In-Training, still came from a rather rough family of 5 boys. Rob, Randy, Royal, Ryan and Ricky. Rob wasn't so bad. He actually did treat my cousin very well and took care of her daughter as if she were his own. But Rob had a ghetto side of him that he just couldn't quite shake. He used to not only sell us liquor as minors but he'd also ring it up on the register for like $1.99. That went on until he got caught by the security cameras and the Asian guy that owned the store took him to court. I think Rob did a couple days in jail. Looking back, I guess Rob was kind of awesome in a "Joe Dirt" way.
My cousin always had some sort of drama going on with this bitch or that ho. Whether it was her baby daddy's new girlfriend or some chick who dared to look sideways at Rob, it was on. Numerous threatening phone calls were made with Rob and my cousin's 300lb Hispanic friend, Alicia, shouting encouragements in the background.
Nazi had gotten himself a younger chick. Kinda cute, super blonde, tan,trashy and from a real live trailer park. None of this sat well with my cousin. She didn't want him back but she didn't enjoy seeing this chick come over to the house and take off with the Nazi while she was stuckwith the kid. The 2 girls started exchanging shitty glances which led to shitty comments mumbled under their breath, which led to, "What'd you say...bitch?" which led to yelling matches in the house until one of the boys would drag his girlfriend off to avoid a brawl. My cousin was not about to be disrespected in her own home by some slutty little twig and she was going to teach her a lesson.
There we were, my cousin and I, sitting on her couch on a Friday night.The baby's hippy grandfather had taken her for the night so the Nazi and my cousin could "be kids once in a while". Rob was on his way over and we were trying to think of something to do. The subject of the Twig Slut came up.
"I fucking hate her."
"Who?" I asked.
"Fuckin' Twig Slut. Whore."
"Oh her. Yeah I know, she's so annoying" (I really didn't give a shit either way)
"Dude, we should totally prank call her and scare the shit out of her."
"Isn't she with Nazi? He'll totally know it's you. That's retarded."
"No. Nazi went out with John E. tonight. They are doing '24Hour Drinkin', Stinkin', Not Even Thinkin'."
"Oh".
That guaranteed that the Nazi would be nowhere near his little girlfriend. During 24 Hour, Drinkin', Stinkin, Not Even Thinkin' the goal was to get as fucked up as you could, fuck as many chicks as you could convince to fuck you, yell racial slurs out the window of your bronco, have a "who can take mace to the face without crying first" contest, get in a fight and just be totally disgusting in general, for 24 hours straight. I had seen the Nazi come home from these benders; he smelled and looked like absolute shit.
I could see my cousin's eyes glaze over a bit...she was deciding the fate of Slut Twig. It would either be a threatening phone call of epic proportions, "I'm gonna come over there, cut your head off and shit down your throat" was one I had heard at some point. A bit over the top but it seemed to usually disturb the recipient a fair deal. Or, it might be a night of numerous hang up's which would bore me quickly and I'd probably just take off.
Rob arrived. My cousin went into Baby Voice.
"Hey, Baby. So, we're thinking of fucking with Slut Twig."
"Cool", said Rob as he sweetly kissed my cousin on her head. Jesus."Whaddya, thinking?"
"Well, she lives in that trailer park over off of De La Vina by The Chicken Ranch. We should go kick her ass."
I startled a little at this statement. I thought this was just going to be a prank call? Dude, whatever, she was just talking. She was always talking.
Rob: "Cool. Let's do it. Is Alicia coming over?"
"Yeah, she should be here any minute".
What the Hell??? Alicia??? Ugh! I couldn't STAND Alicia! First off, she was just this really annoying, loud, trash asshole that my cousin ALWAYS hung out with. She weighed like 300lbs, I'm NOT kidding, and had crunchy permed red/black hair. She wore these nasty ass acrylic nails that she was always chewing on. Oh my God, she was so annoying. However, I made sure she thought we were friends so that there was no chance she would ever start a beef with me. I was wayyyy too scared of her. She had a boyfriend in Jail. I don't know what he did, but knowing Alicia it was probably something hard core or she wouldn't be attracted to him and put up with a long distance relationship. I'm sure he stabbed someone to defend her honor or something like that. True Love.
The fact that Alicia was coming over added something to the equation that I did not like. Alicia encouraged my cousin to do all sorts of stupid shit and with Alicia's 300lb support she often went thru with said "stupid shit". Alicia showed up in her usual wildly misfitting jeans and black t-shirt. It probably had a picture of a low-rider with a ghastly killer clown face thrown in somewhere. Or it could have had a picture of a rose with thorns down the stem and the letters, "THC" floating out of the rose.I'm sure one of those is correct.
"What up, yo!" she yelled as she came crashing thru the screen door.
Everything she did was loud. I smiled and said "Hey, Alicia!" We never really knew how to relate to each other but we tried to pretend.
They got into the details of the night's events quickly.
"Soooo, we are gonna fuck with Twig Slut tonight."
Alicia: "No way dude! Hell yeah! Fuck that skinny bitch! " Alicia was already way too excited about this for me to handle. In my head, I began planning my escape...
Rob: "Cool. We can drive by my house, get some 'supplies' first. "
Supplies? What the hell kind of 'supplies' did we need to intimidate this girl? My cousin was scary in a scrappy, skinny chick that fought dirty way, Rob was ghetto as Hell and Alicia was frightening just to look at. We didn't need supplies for this. I wanted to go home.
Me: "Dude, you guys, it's kind of late already, don't you think she'll be out or if she's not out she'll probably be in bed. I mean, Jesus, I'm already kind of tired! You know?"
My cousin: "You are NOT pussing out! Are you pussing out? You don't even have to DO anything! Come on, don't be a baby dude. It's nothing. Just come with."
It's nothing. Hmmm...It's nothing. My cousin and I are very different people. "Nothing" to me is, like, sneaking off campus in my friend's trunk to go to lunch at the El Rancho Deli a half mile away and still being nervous about getting caught. "Nothing" to my cousin is an afternoon of shoplifting from Nordstrom's followed by an evening of drinking Jack Daniels and smoking weed to celebrate her new wardrobe.
They were all looking at me expectantly. "Gawd! Alright! I'll go."Don't ask me why. I still have no idea.
We all piled into Rob's awesome Rave Mobile. He and my cousin had really gotten into the Rave scene and felt the need to tell the world they were"Ravers". The elegant vehicle was a mid nineties Ford Escort (LX, I think) in a rusty orange color. The money part was the blue glow tape Rob had installed on the interior. All the way around the front windshield, around various parts of the dashboard, down the bases of the driver's and passenger's side window, wrapping all the way around the back of the headrest's of the back seats and up to the front again was this gorgeous glowing blue tape. It looked kind of cool in the daylight but nighttime? Forget it. HOT!Next thing I knew, we were stopped in Rob's driveway. Rob, my cousin, and Alicia disappeared into the house. The girls were merely decoys for Rob's mother; they were going to shoot the shit with her so Rob could collect his 'supplies' unnoticed. After a few minutes Rob came back out. He was carrying something long and black. As he got closer I could see that it was a beat stick. The kind the cops use. Rob opened the car door and yanked the driver's seat forward to place the beatstick under my feet. This time I couldn't hide my distaste for the whole situation. Rob saw my face.
"Uh. Too much drama?" he asked me while nodding towards the beat stick lying at my feet.
"Uh, yeah, Rob. A little too much drama." I sarcastically replied.
"Um, okay. You're probably right. Haha" he said somewhat sheepishly.Thank God he had some sense of how ridiculous he was, even if it took me pointing it out.He ran back in the house with the beat stick tucked in his pants. A moment later he came out again, this time carrying something wrapped in a plastic garbage bag. Again he pulled the driver's seat forward and started to put the "supply" under my feet. As he did so he also pulled the supply out of the bag. It was a Goddamn HAND SAW! He smiled at me like "Check THIS out!" and I just rolled my eyes. This was getting out of control. He got in the car and honked the horn for my cousin and Alicia to hurry up. They quickly came out and got in the car. I could feel their excitement at being so close to carrying out a beat down(and, perhaps, a murder? Oh my Hell...) on Twig Slut.
We drove to Twig Slut's trailer park. It was rather large.
"Oh, Fuck! How are we going to know which one is hers?"
"What kind of car do her parent's drive?"
"How would I know?"
Me: "Isn't she like, an honor student or some shit? I'm sure her parents have that dumb sticker on their car"
Hoots and hollers all around.
"You are so fucking smart dude!"
"Yeah! Cuz is getting into this! Nice work!"
I really didn't mean to be of any help. I guess I was just hoping we could get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible. I didn't WANT any of this to happen. In fact I was thinking about how I would explain myself to the cops when we were arrested for assault.
"Just along for the ride, Sir! Had NO idea!" Sure. I had only heard stories about Juvenile Hall when I sat near the rough kids on the bus and listened in to their "Juvie" tales. It sounded like the kind of place that would destroy a nerd like me.
Rob slowly drove up and down the streets inside the trailer park. Finally, under a tin roofed garage, we saw it, a maroon Buick with that sticker right on the back right bumper, "My Child is an Honor student at San Marcos High School". Rob kept driving past it at the same rate as not to draw any attention to us. (Maybe he should have skipped the glowing blue tape as well. But whatever.) He pulled the car up 3 or 4 trailers and turned the car off. Again we all sat there, my mind racing with ways to explain this to my assigned Juvie officer, I assumed the rest of them were planning their attack on Slut Twig.
"Okay, so...how are we gonna get her out here?" asked my cousin.
"We can call her and tell her to come outside!" suggested Alicia.
"That's stupid, Alicia. If someone called me and told me to go outside I'd be all "Fuck You."
"Wait, she knows your cousin right?"
"Yeah"
"Well, send her over to knock on Slut Twig's window and say she has something to tell her."
All 3 turned to look at me.
"No. No way. There's no way. Don't even look at me! I won't! I won't do it!!"
"Oh C'mon. It's no big deal. You just say that you need to talk to her about something about Nazi."
"Yeah, just say you have something to tell her and then when she comes out of the house you can run back to the car and WE'LL jump her. You only have to get her to come out!"
Wouldn't this be like 'accomplice to assault/ murder'? I was over this 5 minutes ago. I didn't care how mad they got. Fuck them and their perpetual drama.
"No, I dont GIVE a fuck anymore. This is stupid. You wanna beat her ass then YOU get her to come out. I'm not leaving this car and the minute we get to your house, I'm going HOME!"
The nerd had spoken. They all sat there looking kind of defeated. All that build up, all that anticipation and stupid ME had let them down. I had killed the momentum.
"Well..."
"Well..."
"Whatever, eh? Let's go back to the house and smoke out"
And with that they were over their blood lust. With that I could SEE that they were almost HAPPY I had so adamantly turned their stupid proposal down. Fuckers! It all depended on me? It wasn't even MY idea to begin with and they gave ME all that power? Ugh. I felt so used.
We rode home in semi silence, mostly I think, because they were embarrassed at being the ones to "puss out" in the end. Whatever, I didn't give a Hell!!
As soon as we got to my cousin's I grabbed my weekend bag and drove all the way home. I probably hung out with my family that weekend. All I know is that I was plenty happy doing something/anything that wouldn't land this dork in "Juvie".
The End
My cousin always had some sort of drama going on with this bitch or that ho. Whether it was her baby daddy's new girlfriend or some chick who dared to look sideways at Rob, it was on. Numerous threatening phone calls were made with Rob and my cousin's 300lb Hispanic friend, Alicia, shouting encouragements in the background.
Nazi had gotten himself a younger chick. Kinda cute, super blonde, tan,trashy and from a real live trailer park. None of this sat well with my cousin. She didn't want him back but she didn't enjoy seeing this chick come over to the house and take off with the Nazi while she was stuckwith the kid. The 2 girls started exchanging shitty glances which led to shitty comments mumbled under their breath, which led to, "What'd you say...bitch?" which led to yelling matches in the house until one of the boys would drag his girlfriend off to avoid a brawl. My cousin was not about to be disrespected in her own home by some slutty little twig and she was going to teach her a lesson.
There we were, my cousin and I, sitting on her couch on a Friday night.The baby's hippy grandfather had taken her for the night so the Nazi and my cousin could "be kids once in a while". Rob was on his way over and we were trying to think of something to do. The subject of the Twig Slut came up.
"I fucking hate her."
"Who?" I asked.
"Fuckin' Twig Slut. Whore."
"Oh her. Yeah I know, she's so annoying" (I really didn't give a shit either way)
"Dude, we should totally prank call her and scare the shit out of her."
"Isn't she with Nazi? He'll totally know it's you. That's retarded."
"No. Nazi went out with John E. tonight. They are doing '24Hour Drinkin', Stinkin', Not Even Thinkin'."
"Oh".
That guaranteed that the Nazi would be nowhere near his little girlfriend. During 24 Hour, Drinkin', Stinkin, Not Even Thinkin' the goal was to get as fucked up as you could, fuck as many chicks as you could convince to fuck you, yell racial slurs out the window of your bronco, have a "who can take mace to the face without crying first" contest, get in a fight and just be totally disgusting in general, for 24 hours straight. I had seen the Nazi come home from these benders; he smelled and looked like absolute shit.
I could see my cousin's eyes glaze over a bit...she was deciding the fate of Slut Twig. It would either be a threatening phone call of epic proportions, "I'm gonna come over there, cut your head off and shit down your throat" was one I had heard at some point. A bit over the top but it seemed to usually disturb the recipient a fair deal. Or, it might be a night of numerous hang up's which would bore me quickly and I'd probably just take off.
Rob arrived. My cousin went into Baby Voice.
"Hey, Baby. So, we're thinking of fucking with Slut Twig."
"Cool", said Rob as he sweetly kissed my cousin on her head. Jesus."Whaddya, thinking?"
"Well, she lives in that trailer park over off of De La Vina by The Chicken Ranch. We should go kick her ass."
I startled a little at this statement. I thought this was just going to be a prank call? Dude, whatever, she was just talking. She was always talking.
Rob: "Cool. Let's do it. Is Alicia coming over?"
"Yeah, she should be here any minute".
What the Hell??? Alicia??? Ugh! I couldn't STAND Alicia! First off, she was just this really annoying, loud, trash asshole that my cousin ALWAYS hung out with. She weighed like 300lbs, I'm NOT kidding, and had crunchy permed red/black hair. She wore these nasty ass acrylic nails that she was always chewing on. Oh my God, she was so annoying. However, I made sure she thought we were friends so that there was no chance she would ever start a beef with me. I was wayyyy too scared of her. She had a boyfriend in Jail. I don't know what he did, but knowing Alicia it was probably something hard core or she wouldn't be attracted to him and put up with a long distance relationship. I'm sure he stabbed someone to defend her honor or something like that. True Love.
The fact that Alicia was coming over added something to the equation that I did not like. Alicia encouraged my cousin to do all sorts of stupid shit and with Alicia's 300lb support she often went thru with said "stupid shit". Alicia showed up in her usual wildly misfitting jeans and black t-shirt. It probably had a picture of a low-rider with a ghastly killer clown face thrown in somewhere. Or it could have had a picture of a rose with thorns down the stem and the letters, "THC" floating out of the rose.I'm sure one of those is correct.
"What up, yo!" she yelled as she came crashing thru the screen door.
Everything she did was loud. I smiled and said "Hey, Alicia!" We never really knew how to relate to each other but we tried to pretend.
They got into the details of the night's events quickly.
"Soooo, we are gonna fuck with Twig Slut tonight."
Alicia: "No way dude! Hell yeah! Fuck that skinny bitch! " Alicia was already way too excited about this for me to handle. In my head, I began planning my escape...
Rob: "Cool. We can drive by my house, get some 'supplies' first. "
Supplies? What the hell kind of 'supplies' did we need to intimidate this girl? My cousin was scary in a scrappy, skinny chick that fought dirty way, Rob was ghetto as Hell and Alicia was frightening just to look at. We didn't need supplies for this. I wanted to go home.
Me: "Dude, you guys, it's kind of late already, don't you think she'll be out or if she's not out she'll probably be in bed. I mean, Jesus, I'm already kind of tired! You know?"
My cousin: "You are NOT pussing out! Are you pussing out? You don't even have to DO anything! Come on, don't be a baby dude. It's nothing. Just come with."
It's nothing. Hmmm...It's nothing. My cousin and I are very different people. "Nothing" to me is, like, sneaking off campus in my friend's trunk to go to lunch at the El Rancho Deli a half mile away and still being nervous about getting caught. "Nothing" to my cousin is an afternoon of shoplifting from Nordstrom's followed by an evening of drinking Jack Daniels and smoking weed to celebrate her new wardrobe.
They were all looking at me expectantly. "Gawd! Alright! I'll go."Don't ask me why. I still have no idea.
We all piled into Rob's awesome Rave Mobile. He and my cousin had really gotten into the Rave scene and felt the need to tell the world they were"Ravers". The elegant vehicle was a mid nineties Ford Escort (LX, I think) in a rusty orange color. The money part was the blue glow tape Rob had installed on the interior. All the way around the front windshield, around various parts of the dashboard, down the bases of the driver's and passenger's side window, wrapping all the way around the back of the headrest's of the back seats and up to the front again was this gorgeous glowing blue tape. It looked kind of cool in the daylight but nighttime? Forget it. HOT!Next thing I knew, we were stopped in Rob's driveway. Rob, my cousin, and Alicia disappeared into the house. The girls were merely decoys for Rob's mother; they were going to shoot the shit with her so Rob could collect his 'supplies' unnoticed. After a few minutes Rob came back out. He was carrying something long and black. As he got closer I could see that it was a beat stick. The kind the cops use. Rob opened the car door and yanked the driver's seat forward to place the beatstick under my feet. This time I couldn't hide my distaste for the whole situation. Rob saw my face.
"Uh. Too much drama?" he asked me while nodding towards the beat stick lying at my feet.
"Uh, yeah, Rob. A little too much drama." I sarcastically replied.
"Um, okay. You're probably right. Haha" he said somewhat sheepishly.Thank God he had some sense of how ridiculous he was, even if it took me pointing it out.He ran back in the house with the beat stick tucked in his pants. A moment later he came out again, this time carrying something wrapped in a plastic garbage bag. Again he pulled the driver's seat forward and started to put the "supply" under my feet. As he did so he also pulled the supply out of the bag. It was a Goddamn HAND SAW! He smiled at me like "Check THIS out!" and I just rolled my eyes. This was getting out of control. He got in the car and honked the horn for my cousin and Alicia to hurry up. They quickly came out and got in the car. I could feel their excitement at being so close to carrying out a beat down(and, perhaps, a murder? Oh my Hell...) on Twig Slut.
We drove to Twig Slut's trailer park. It was rather large.
"Oh, Fuck! How are we going to know which one is hers?"
"What kind of car do her parent's drive?"
"How would I know?"
Me: "Isn't she like, an honor student or some shit? I'm sure her parents have that dumb sticker on their car"
Hoots and hollers all around.
"You are so fucking smart dude!"
"Yeah! Cuz is getting into this! Nice work!"
I really didn't mean to be of any help. I guess I was just hoping we could get this whole thing over with as quickly as possible. I didn't WANT any of this to happen. In fact I was thinking about how I would explain myself to the cops when we were arrested for assault.
"Just along for the ride, Sir! Had NO idea!" Sure. I had only heard stories about Juvenile Hall when I sat near the rough kids on the bus and listened in to their "Juvie" tales. It sounded like the kind of place that would destroy a nerd like me.
Rob slowly drove up and down the streets inside the trailer park. Finally, under a tin roofed garage, we saw it, a maroon Buick with that sticker right on the back right bumper, "My Child is an Honor student at San Marcos High School". Rob kept driving past it at the same rate as not to draw any attention to us. (Maybe he should have skipped the glowing blue tape as well. But whatever.) He pulled the car up 3 or 4 trailers and turned the car off. Again we all sat there, my mind racing with ways to explain this to my assigned Juvie officer, I assumed the rest of them were planning their attack on Slut Twig.
"Okay, so...how are we gonna get her out here?" asked my cousin.
"We can call her and tell her to come outside!" suggested Alicia.
"That's stupid, Alicia. If someone called me and told me to go outside I'd be all "Fuck You."
"Wait, she knows your cousin right?"
"Yeah"
"Well, send her over to knock on Slut Twig's window and say she has something to tell her."
All 3 turned to look at me.
"No. No way. There's no way. Don't even look at me! I won't! I won't do it!!"
"Oh C'mon. It's no big deal. You just say that you need to talk to her about something about Nazi."
"Yeah, just say you have something to tell her and then when she comes out of the house you can run back to the car and WE'LL jump her. You only have to get her to come out!"
Wouldn't this be like 'accomplice to assault/ murder'? I was over this 5 minutes ago. I didn't care how mad they got. Fuck them and their perpetual drama.
"No, I dont GIVE a fuck anymore. This is stupid. You wanna beat her ass then YOU get her to come out. I'm not leaving this car and the minute we get to your house, I'm going HOME!"
The nerd had spoken. They all sat there looking kind of defeated. All that build up, all that anticipation and stupid ME had let them down. I had killed the momentum.
"Well..."
"Well..."
"Whatever, eh? Let's go back to the house and smoke out"
And with that they were over their blood lust. With that I could SEE that they were almost HAPPY I had so adamantly turned their stupid proposal down. Fuckers! It all depended on me? It wasn't even MY idea to begin with and they gave ME all that power? Ugh. I felt so used.
We rode home in semi silence, mostly I think, because they were embarrassed at being the ones to "puss out" in the end. Whatever, I didn't give a Hell!!
As soon as we got to my cousin's I grabbed my weekend bag and drove all the way home. I probably hung out with my family that weekend. All I know is that I was plenty happy doing something/anything that wouldn't land this dork in "Juvie".
The End
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