The Bus Will Make You Want to Kill a Bitch. For Reals.

This evening I got on the bus. I was tired. I just wanted to get home. Like, maybe 2 minutes after I got on I smelt it. Oh Gawd. Someone had some mean ass diarreah farts for sure. They kept coming. Kind of lightly but still, consistently and powerfully. I was starting to get pissed. "Alright! Okay, THAT's enough" I was saying in my mind. I was convinced it was this old toothless, homeless dude who was talking to himself. So, therefore, I felt kind of bad for him. What do you do when you are homeless and have a terrible stomachache? But then it hit me (literally, dude). It was totally the old ass asian man next to me. And it wasn't his ass, it was his fucking breaf! Ugh! Bitch had a rotten tooth or a stomach infection. And this dude was fully facing the front of the bus so his rotten ass breaf was reaching to the side and into my face! I tried to read my magazine but they kept coming. I was getting increasingly pissed. You are just not allowed to breathe out your mouth on the bus. You're not. You shouldn't anyways because, to me, it is the polite thing to do. Especially at the end of the day after coffee and smoke breaks. Barf.
But no. This mutherfucker kept up his mouthbreathing. And then it happened. His cell phone rang. Oh shit. I wouldve changed seats had there been an empty one. No dice. I knew his mutherfucking dragon breath would keep coming and reach me. It did. I finally quit being nice and had to hold my sweatshirt over my nose. I didn't give a Hell if someone thought I was crazy. This was THE BUS if no one had noticed. FUCK this FUCKERY!
This disgusting experience gave me a few ideas:
1) The Metro System needs to make Breath Strips MANDATORY when you board the bus. Not gum so I don't have to deal with all these assholes sticking their gum under the seats. Breath Strips (reinforced with bleach and hydrogen peroxide perhaps?) for everyone boarding the bus. NO exceptions.
2) Coupons for dentistry for each bus patron. Help out these broke down fools with a bad toof.

Save the rest of us, please.

Song of the Day!

ACID JACKS
"MOOKIE"

This one is for my brain (for the past month) and for Mazzy Lamb and 5 yr olds everywhere. Rock Out My Pooties!

Shit, Bitches.

Does anyone even check this mess of a blog anymore? I doubt it. However, I am such a sad slut that I will continue to write on it.

Keep on readin' EJ!

Ha.

Digital Dirty Words!

Okay, don't even tell me that you bunch of assholes didn't make your calculators say the dirtiest shit you could think of! If I did it, then I know you did it. I never really got too far though. I think all I really ever figured out (thanks to my 1st grade colleagues) was "boob", "boobless" and "hell". I mean, I guess you could have strung together a few of them and gotten "boobless hell" but...eh. At the time it would' ve been something though, right? I'm sure I tried my darnedest to figure out "fuck" but it never happened.

Song of the Day II

"THUG N U, THUG N ME"

2PAC

OMG. This song is so wonderfully inappropriate. I had totally forgotten about it. It's pretty fucking hot.

I used to sing the shit out of this song in my car. How fucking retarded. That's some "Office Space" shit. White girls cannot rock to this shit in their car for a few reasons:

1) Most of us will never fuck a real thug. No, I mean a REAL Thug. We would be too scared. Although, I think my mother would put all us to shame. She'd not only go through with it, she'd remember it on her death bed as one of her top 3 life experiences, if not her first.

2) It must sound awful to hear our vocal "pacing" of the lyrics.

3) We are white bitches in Jettas, at community colleges who are entirely over privileged compared the entire rest of the world. We need to shut the fuck up.

Song of the Day

"CHANGES"

2Pac

(the hottest, craziest, most amazing bitch to ever live!)

Here's a Song of the Day Bonus; The original song "Changes" sampled!

"THE WAY IT IS"

Bruce Hornsby and The Range

Unfortunately, it's a cover which is sad for 2 reasons.

1) I could find no post on youtube that did poor Bruce any justice. It was all like, camera phone recordings and shit.

2) The guy who sings the cover butchers the Hell out of this song. He's AWful! However, we all know who the REAL Hero in this song is...THE PIANO! And whoever is playing it kind of rocks the shit.

How To Become a 2nd Class Citizen...

It's easy in Los Angeles. Get stuck riding the bus and you immediately qualify! Due to a recent set of unfortunate and retarded incidents I find myself without my car and in the position of having to take public transportation. This is extremely poor timing as I just started a new job. Said job requires me to run errands. I am in week two of this job. I know I won't have my own mode of transpo for another few weeks...I don't know how I am going to keep this charade up. Anyhow...I kind of like taking the bus. I miss singing along to my favorite songs in the car but that's about it. I can read on the bus, text my peeps, people watch and daydream. I've noticed though that whenever the subject of me taking the bus comes up most people are horrified. ??? Lately I've been wishing I lived in NY where it's just a part of life/work and seems romantic and chic. I imagine assistant fashion editor's reading WWD and drinking Starbucks on the way to work. In Los Angeles it's me and, like, foreigners and the hired help. But you miss out on so many things when you have never ever experienced The Bus. Things like this:
1) Old European Women Telling You About Their Irregularity- This happened last week on my way home. The bus stop in front of The Grove on Fairfax and 3rd is like the Foreign Geriatric Central. Only ancient people who probably failed their driving test by blowing through a stop sign or never even learned how to drive are waiting at this stop. So last week this older woman, in her 60's - 70's gets on at The Grove. After a few stops she made eye contact. Shit. She got up and sat next to me. "Do you smell that? He SMELLS." She was referring to some rather large homeless man who had gotten on the bus at the same time as her. Yes, of course I smelled him but since it was more like an "old shoe" smell rather than piss and feces, I wasn't freaking out. I gave her a look like "Gosh, I know" but made sure it looked empathetic to the man, not shitty and grossed out. She started talking and asking questions within 10 seconds. "What are you reading? Eees eet goot?" She has a very strong accent. "I was born in Yugoslavia. I had no children. My husband, he died young so we had no children." "What is that book about? Is it funny? Who are you going to vote for? Do you like this, uh, this uh, vooman, ah...Sarah?" I was keeping up with polite answers until she got to her bowel movements.
"Do you ever have this problem of not going?" I was totally confused at first. "Going?"
"Yes, I haven't gone in 2 days. I ate an apple today and I am hoping maybe tomorrow. Do you think? I have this problem sometimes."
OMG. She was letting me know she has shitting problems. All I could say was, "Um, yeah, you should be okay. Yeah, probably tomorrow."
2) You Won't Ever Know the Excitement of Carrying a Knife on You!- Yes, I carry a small hunting knife. It's an ex boyfriend's which yeah, is kind of weird, but he and his douchey brother's probably thought it was bad ass to carry it on their family trips to Wyoming. Whatever, I inherited it by default after a breakup. I found it in a "Toiletries" drawer of mine. Finders Keepers, Asshole. I mean, I'm not too nervous about taking the bus but that recent story about the dude who decapitated that kid on the Greyhound in Canada just makes me feel like "It could happen." Plus, waiting around on Fairfax and Wilshire is not my favorite place. I think I've got the guts to stab a bitch if and when it comes down to it.
I just keep telling myself that all this builds character. Right?
Ugh. It fuckin' sucks.